battles.

i hate that feeling when you're so exhausted and lay in bed for hours, and yet sleep never comes. i don't know what is wrong with me, but right about now all i want to do is cry. there has been a lot going on lately and i just feel that if i keep running or just keep moving then i can keep up with life, that in some way i'll be able to handle everything that is going on. unfortunately its not working out too well. tonight i was off from work and i was able to sit and talk with my mom which i haven't been able to do with my crazy life schedule. in many ways i was able to refocus and almost breathe some. i was able to bake and relax, kick my feet up, but not without having the million and one things that need to get done running through my brain the whole time. 

life recently has definitely felt like a battlefield, and once i've been through one and thought i'd won the war and i am quickly mistaken only to find that it was just merely the beginning of something else. i just haven't felt like me, that something is missing from me. that i'm not completely whole and right about now i'm not sure what i need to do to get back there. i feel drained and run down. like a warrior who has come home from war only to find that the war has reached my village and everything that i had once know and found beauty is gone. i felt so confident about decisions that i had made that i honestly lost sight of the process of how to get there. 

instead of dreams and hopes, fears and regrets have quickly replaced them. i feel dry. like i have just walked through the desert in search of an oasis only to find out that it is a mirage, and distant dream. i don't feel positive, just hurt and like a used napkin. i've been blessed with an amazing family who is always there for me to pick me back up and dust me off and many times put me back together, but right now i'm feeling that there is more to this equation that is missing. i'm broken in many aspects of my life and instead of being that encouragement to others, i feel like a burden. 

i guess the question is how do i fix this? how do i turn this around like so many heroes throughout history? how do i rise above this like mark anthony, or george washington? how do i face these battles and show no mercy in the face of my enemy like joan of arc, or esther? how do i get my strength back like sampson after his hair was cut about to pull the temple pillars down? how do i breathe again without every muscle in my body aching....? i rejoice in the precious knowledge that i am found by Him. that i have a plan and purpose on my life and no matter what is thrown i will rise above this! 

transitions.

there are always funny feelings that people get when they are faced with transitions. i honestly think that it is from not really having a guide, or a set of rules on how to deal with such things. excitement and peace seems to course through my veins every time that i've made a decision, but not without the same amount of anxiousness and nervousness. i get anxious because i'm ready for this new change, and chapter in my life, but i'm nervous on how people are going to react. i guess these feelings are normal and natural, but with the support of some amazing family and friends these decisions and transitions seem not to matter. i think that every decision and transition that i've ever made has been one that maybe during the first week was overwhelming, but getting used to a new schedule soothes and calms all these feelings.
it has definitely been a year of transition and i know it is not over. this summer i've had the opportunity to work with my district youth director. that means finishing the last minute planning for the two weeks of youth camp, getting those preparations ready, heading to camp, working with the youth alive missionary, and now the planning for the back to school event. while trying to transition back to home, trying to find a job, trying to transition into my internship and now transitioning into my job; its definitely been a year of learning to let go and be flexible. transition is all about being flexible, and how you are going to face those little details that are going to be thrown at you. the literal definition is: the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. 
transition and changing is what develops us into the people we are going to be. transition teaches us to let go and trust that everything is going to be okay. it teaches us about the trust we are supposed to have in God each and every day. transition although scary at times, is necessary in a healthy growth. yet again i am learning about such transitions. that excitement and peace is pulsing through me, but not without some heartfelt sadness. i will not be scared as i step out on the water because i've locked my eyes on the one who called me out. i know that as i transition that the words that worth dying for sings in risen from the grave is what my heart is feeling. they simply say: 

And I'll dance with You 'till my knees go weak
And I'll sing 'till I can't sing anymore
And I'll lift my hands 'till they fall asleep
Just to show You, Lord, You're the one I adore

Wonderful
My Healer
Giver of grace
Cuz You have risen from the grave
Faith's my sight
You're my might
Impossible is slain
Cuz You have risen from the grave

transitions...Life, it seems, is nothing if not a series of initiations, transitions and incorporations--Alan Dundes

writers block.

i hate it when i'm asked: "oh what were you just thinking about?" not because i don't want to share what i was just thinking about, but because i have no clue what i was just thinking about. later on it is in those moments when i am desperately searching my brain for what i was thinking about, that i am reminded of my dreams that God has placed on my heart. every second that i can daydream i do. i was reminded of the importance of dreaming yesterday. my pastor's wife preached for mother's day about dreaming. you see everyone has a calling or a dream, things that they want to see happen in their lives, but sometimes we have these little things called writers blocks, which can sometimes prohibit any kind of dreaming to occur.
recently i've been challenged to think about my calling, my dream. there are so many things that i wish i could share with the world on how i would love to turn the world upside down on its axis, but it is also these dreams that hold me back from doing so. i am reminded of the simple words my parents told me about being careful who you tell your dreams to, because not everyone is going to believe and want to see you achieve. there are going to be nay-sayers who are going to continuously put you down and try to kill your dreams, and when we start believing these people we start the process of writers block. we start allowing people to control our dreaming patterns and allow them to creep into those precious moments when we developed those dreams and kill them from the inside out.
recently i have been feeling like my creative juices where running on completely empty, like i had nothing left to even restart my system. i hit the writers block. i felt drained, like my life was somewhat sucked out of me. that even taking the slightest breath was going to break me. it was in these moments, however, when i truly allowed the author of my life to breath in me, and write a little more of this chapter. it was also in these moments when God sent some influential people into my life to just encourage me without even realizing it. now i'm not saying it was an overnight fix, because that would be a lie, but i am telling you that i started the process of breaking this awful writers block.
it was in this moment when i was trying to reignite my flame, my passion, my dream that a kari jobe song came on and sang to this tender part of my soul. her lyrics to we are say: so wake up sleeper, lift you head, we were meant for more than this, fight the shadows, conquer death make the most of the time we have left. my dream is waking up again and i know that it is a delicate process to fully reach my potential, but i'm not giving up. i'm not backing down until i see it fulfilled in all of its capacity. what so many people don't realize is that dreams make us human, they remind us that there is a God who before the foundations of time predestined us and already marked out the steps before us. they remind us that we are to keep going. so i ask you...what are your dreams? what have you stopped fighting for? what have you settled for? was it that relationship, was it that affirmation? now was it worth is? whatever your dream is, it is not too big, or small for you. it was made exactly the way it was for you because God knew that you would fight for it, conquer all the challenges and obstacles that came with it, and that you would see it through all the way until the end and then some. so don't give up, keep going. more than anything keep dreaming!

junior year.

wow! let's just say it's been awhile and since march & so much has changed. i don't know where to begin. it feels like yesterday i was walking back onto campus for the fall semester not knowing what to expect. it was then on my first day back that i honestly met my best friend. not knowing how she would be pouring into my life over the next few months. 12 of us sat in sga training not talking just looking around  the room awkwardly waiting for the year to start. fast forward to start teams, where i met so many of the new students & where new friendships were birthed. as the days progressed i remember writing on my calendar in the to do list section: "make new friends," & this year i did. the first days of school started & as october hit i dreaded going to class or even being at school. i wanted to be home, where there was comfort & life away from being stretched. little did i know the things that God had in store for me.
i would love to say that this year was an easy year all around, but that would be a lie. i can remember sitting in my room crying out for God to move in me, to show me yet again why he called me into ministry or better yet, why he loved me. it wasn't until december that i started getting the answers to these questions. i started to read the book Captivating & my world was turned upside down. i felt like every story, every topic in that book was written for me & about me. it helped me understand who i was & why i believed so much in people & in humanity as a whole. as fall semester wrapped up i was faced with yet again more opposition & hardships that i never saw coming. i felt so low & i was desperately seeking & reaching for a hand up. i was literally at my lowest i had been in years.
i had put so much pressure & stress on myself that i was finally starting to feel it & little by little i broke. as i sat in the prayer room all i could do was cry & again ask why? it was here that i vented and got everything out, & God just listened, but it was also here where he answered me completely. i was called to ministry because i believe in people, i believe that everyone could be saved & reached. that every youth student had the opportunity to be believed in & loved. that every person whether in the states or across the seas, they weren't too hard to love. that i had a plan and a calling on my life that i wasn't going to understand at times, but it was in these times that i needed to step aside & truly allow God to use me completely. he yearned for me. he was breaking my heart for those around me, but i had to understand that the things i was going through were for that girl or boy who was stressed & had no other outlet or option other than crying out to God. for that single mom who didn't know how she was going to provide for her children, that there was hope & a light at the end of the tunnel.
this year i was blessed to have several people who were influential & poured into my life time & time again. i had people who believed in me & prayed me through. & tonight was one of those nights where i truly felt the prayers of family & friends praying me through. i sat in my room waiting to check out & all i could do was cry as i saw so many of my friends from cbc graduate & walk across that stage getting their diplomas. i pitied myself & questioned why i was at vfcc. yet again it was God who answered & told me that there were things that i was never going to learn if i had stayed at cbc. there were times when i needed to be pushed completely out of my comfort zone & be challenged. i wasn't going to get it there. i had become comfortable & in turn lazy. i needed these people in my life to pour into me. i needed times like after easter when God broke me yet again for the heart of the youth & reminded me of his love. i needed times like this when i wasn't afraid to ask him questions. we each have our time when God is going to use us & not always do we understand these moments, but we look back on them and realize what God was doing. for me it was tonight when i got a little glimpse of what God had done in my life this past year & how he blessed me & directed me every step of the way thus far. thank you to all who poured into my life this year & challenged me to greater things that God has in store.

importance.

wow i didn't realize how long it had been since i last blogged. to say the very least life has been well....interesting! there doesn't ever seem to be enough hours in a day to accomplish everything that i have to get done and at the end of the day i'm left wondering where has my life gone to? it's like running on a treadmill and your foot slips and you are trying to re-do your stride and not being able to, and having to restart. in a way i guess i can see it as a blessing teaching me to slow down and enjoy these precious moments that are right in front of me, but when it happens unexpectedly it's hard to deal with. and now all i'm looking for is friday when i'm reunited with my family and friends for spring break. although i still have a lot to do as far as homework, getting things ready for our banquet that i'm in charge of, and making time for family and friends.
so how do you accomplish all that you need to get done in your day plus make time for God? right about now i so desperately wish i had that answer. i was talking to my mom early about some things going on in my life right now and i said to her: "you know i wish there was a manual full of directions on how to deal with this and other certain situations in life!" her simple answer was: "carolyn there is, its the bible!"and how true. i knew that answer but for some reason i have recently just blanked and it was like i was just hearing it for the first time. when i start making time for Him, then He'll open up time in my schedule for the things to get done, that i never saw! and when i stop spending so much time on social media outlets, i'll again find time slots for all of it!
i guess what i needed was a wake up call to re-examine and refocus on the things that are important to me. which is God, school, SGA, work, and family! so what is so important to you that you can't separate yourself from? and is it really that important? recently my school announced that we would be participating in a homeless fundraiser and i've always known that it was important to give of my time and money, but for some reason it really hit me this year. so i started a pledge to raise $500 and participate in the homeless sleep out. for me this is what is important because it is the whole reason why i decided to go into ministry and if i just turn my cheek then what is that really saying about me and my heart? now i'm not saying everyone should go out and join a cause like this, but look and see what is truly important that you would be willing to lay down your life, and time for. and make sure it is really important!

beautiful

beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses,esp. the sight; a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.


there are many words, places, things that we can classify as beauty or beautiful. often these things are sunsets on a mid summer night, or the sunrise against the mountains in the early mornings. we even sometimes use this word to describe an individual or a celebrity that we deem as beautiful. most of the time though we never actually use the word for ourselves. lets be honest. we may wake up every morning and have all the confidence in the world, but as soon as we walk down those stairs or into our everyday locations we are filled with insecurities and things that make us think differently. we allow comments like "well that's new" or "are you really going to wear that" to bring us down and be the foundation of those insecurities. we hide our true selves from the world and in doing so we hide our feelings and what we love the most from those most important to us. 


over Christmas break i read the book Captivating, which one of my friends highly suggested. in the weeks that i read it my world was totally rocked and i slowly started opening doors in my life that i thought i had closed forever. i was scared that if i allowed people around me to see the true me that they would think differently of me. but more than anything i was afraid that God would think differently of me and in some way love me less. but as i read on and on i was sent, all most everyday i was texted words of encouragement and affirmation that honestly kept me reading on. 


being a woman a lot of times is hard. you have to know when to be strong and fight for the things that you love the most and when to be fragile. you have to know when to be independent and when to rely on others for help. you have to know when to guard your heart and when to allow people in and who those individuals are. you have to figure out your feelings and be able to communicate them properly. and more than anything you have to humble yourself before God and lay it all down. now i'm not saying that men don't face these same things, but for a lot of women including myself becoming less independent is hard and will probably be forever hard including when to be less independent before God. the other huge battle is guarding my heart. people want you to be open with them and be real but just how to you do this?


beauty isn't defined by that person, place, or thing, but it is defined by the Creator and the master artist who designed every single part of you way before you were even thought of or planned. you were designed to share your feelings and be real with people that He orchestrated to be in your life at the time that they were. He designed every single freckle, every birth mark, every hair, every single part of you to show you the beauty and worth that He sees in you. He knows your strength and all your weaknesses. He sees it all and he longs for our hearts before we give them away aimlessly. 


my one friend grew up with the rule that she wasn't allowed to date before she was 16 and for the longest time i thought that was so crazy and mean of her parents. but the more i experience life the more i understand. i can see why her parents would make that rule and it was because they were trying to protect her and in their way guard her heart from aimlessly giving it away to a boy that would eventually break it. life was designed to be beautiful and to see God's beauty in every creation and place that we turned, but things happened and that was hidden. we have to seek it out and in seeking it out we find the beauty of God and the works of his hand. we find that we aren't defined as the "most beautiful girl in the school" but as the craftsmanship of a God who sees worth and beauty in us every single day. so look in the mirror and don't walk away until you believe that you are beautiful and have worth from the Creator of the universe. know that you are loved first and foremost!!! 

New.Year.New.Life.

I’ve been sitting in this same position for probably the last hour reading and debating a lot of recent things that have occurred in my life. Now I’m not saying that they are bad, some yes, but for the most part I’m so in love with life. I just wanted to reflect a little on this past year. In January I transferred to a new college where I truly and honestly thought that I was at home, where I could start afresh and in many ways hide from my past, but man was I so wrong! It is honestly true when someone tells you that you can’t run from your past forever, that it eventually catches up with you. Spring semester 2011 was that time for me in my life. Don’t get me wrong, for many situations in my life I have come face-to-face with them, but for others I just ran. I was hurt by dear friends, and in return I hurt others. I talked way too much and hurt way to often. I’m not talking about physical hurt, but emotional, spiritual, and mental.

As I was reading over a journal entry that I had written in March I was reminded of just how much I needed to know that I was loved. I was told by one of my mentors and a dear friend that life is like climbing a mountain. Once you get to the top of one you soon find out that it is only the bottom of another and you are quickly mistaking that brief pause in the climb. This is what I wrote about my life mountain climbing experience:

It’s not a mistake or a coincidence that I love to go hiking. I love to climb and the burning of my lungs as I keep climbing. The adrenaline pumping and coursing through my veins as I take another step up and forward in the climb. I know that if I keep going that the end result is going to be amazing and I’m going to feel so good about myself. I know that my body may hate me at first for putting it through that torture, but by the very end it’s going to say: “Thank you Carolyn!” I am like the body. I may not like You at the moment, but I know by the end of the hike I’m going to be saying: “Thank you God. Thank you for all the trials, for all the times where you pushed me to endure. For all the times you kept cheering me on. For everything!”

You see when we exercise or in my situation climb we are ripping and stretching our muscles. The reason why later on that day or the next day when our bodies hurt is because of that very reason and the fact that our muscles are trying to repair themselves and become stronger. Now that being said it is also that same way in our spiritual walks. We have to work to climb that mountain to show God that we are really that interested in Him and a relationship with Him. It is pursuing Him. Now our spiritual muscles are being ripped and stretched so they can repair themselves to be even stronger in the body.

Recently a friend of mine recommended that I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. To say the least it has taught me a lot of things about myself that I would have never known or even guessed. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had not healed wholly from my past and that in order to do so I needed to allow God to show me my beauty and that I was captivating to Him. I wasn’t some ugly girl that was to be locked away until use and old age accepted me. I was loved and adored by the God of the universe. The same one who paints every beautiful lily, rose, tulip, every flower, sun rise, and sun set differently. I was lovely. It has also taught me that I am delicate, that I don’t have to be independent! I can just be me without feeling judged or having self-doubt about myself. No matter what happens on that hike up the mountain that I have someone holding my rope to secure me telling me that it is alright, He isn’t letting go, to continue and finish the climb.

To wrap up quick, we are all on a hike, or climb. We are all trying to get to that highest peak, to finally call it quits, but we can’t! Our climb is never going to be over until we have reached that highest peak which is the day we enter into Heaven to rejoice and sit with our Creator. Now not always is the climb going to be easy, but we are always going to have someone to cheer us on, telling us to keep going because it is definitely worth it. Who knows what is in store for this New Year?! All I know is that I am going to smile through the pain, to show the world the beauty that God so gracefully and graciously adored on me! You don’t have to be strong all the time, because if you always are, when are you allowing God to be your strength? My friends may this year be like no other. May God just flourish in and around you and place His loving and beautiful creation everywhere you go to be mesmerized by Him! Happy New Year! Here is to a great year to come!!