beautiful

beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses,esp. the sight; a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.


there are many words, places, things that we can classify as beauty or beautiful. often these things are sunsets on a mid summer night, or the sunrise against the mountains in the early mornings. we even sometimes use this word to describe an individual or a celebrity that we deem as beautiful. most of the time though we never actually use the word for ourselves. lets be honest. we may wake up every morning and have all the confidence in the world, but as soon as we walk down those stairs or into our everyday locations we are filled with insecurities and things that make us think differently. we allow comments like "well that's new" or "are you really going to wear that" to bring us down and be the foundation of those insecurities. we hide our true selves from the world and in doing so we hide our feelings and what we love the most from those most important to us. 


over Christmas break i read the book Captivating, which one of my friends highly suggested. in the weeks that i read it my world was totally rocked and i slowly started opening doors in my life that i thought i had closed forever. i was scared that if i allowed people around me to see the true me that they would think differently of me. but more than anything i was afraid that God would think differently of me and in some way love me less. but as i read on and on i was sent, all most everyday i was texted words of encouragement and affirmation that honestly kept me reading on. 


being a woman a lot of times is hard. you have to know when to be strong and fight for the things that you love the most and when to be fragile. you have to know when to be independent and when to rely on others for help. you have to know when to guard your heart and when to allow people in and who those individuals are. you have to figure out your feelings and be able to communicate them properly. and more than anything you have to humble yourself before God and lay it all down. now i'm not saying that men don't face these same things, but for a lot of women including myself becoming less independent is hard and will probably be forever hard including when to be less independent before God. the other huge battle is guarding my heart. people want you to be open with them and be real but just how to you do this?


beauty isn't defined by that person, place, or thing, but it is defined by the Creator and the master artist who designed every single part of you way before you were even thought of or planned. you were designed to share your feelings and be real with people that He orchestrated to be in your life at the time that they were. He designed every single freckle, every birth mark, every hair, every single part of you to show you the beauty and worth that He sees in you. He knows your strength and all your weaknesses. He sees it all and he longs for our hearts before we give them away aimlessly. 


my one friend grew up with the rule that she wasn't allowed to date before she was 16 and for the longest time i thought that was so crazy and mean of her parents. but the more i experience life the more i understand. i can see why her parents would make that rule and it was because they were trying to protect her and in their way guard her heart from aimlessly giving it away to a boy that would eventually break it. life was designed to be beautiful and to see God's beauty in every creation and place that we turned, but things happened and that was hidden. we have to seek it out and in seeking it out we find the beauty of God and the works of his hand. we find that we aren't defined as the "most beautiful girl in the school" but as the craftsmanship of a God who sees worth and beauty in us every single day. so look in the mirror and don't walk away until you believe that you are beautiful and have worth from the Creator of the universe. know that you are loved first and foremost!!! 

New.Year.New.Life.

I’ve been sitting in this same position for probably the last hour reading and debating a lot of recent things that have occurred in my life. Now I’m not saying that they are bad, some yes, but for the most part I’m so in love with life. I just wanted to reflect a little on this past year. In January I transferred to a new college where I truly and honestly thought that I was at home, where I could start afresh and in many ways hide from my past, but man was I so wrong! It is honestly true when someone tells you that you can’t run from your past forever, that it eventually catches up with you. Spring semester 2011 was that time for me in my life. Don’t get me wrong, for many situations in my life I have come face-to-face with them, but for others I just ran. I was hurt by dear friends, and in return I hurt others. I talked way too much and hurt way to often. I’m not talking about physical hurt, but emotional, spiritual, and mental.

As I was reading over a journal entry that I had written in March I was reminded of just how much I needed to know that I was loved. I was told by one of my mentors and a dear friend that life is like climbing a mountain. Once you get to the top of one you soon find out that it is only the bottom of another and you are quickly mistaking that brief pause in the climb. This is what I wrote about my life mountain climbing experience:

It’s not a mistake or a coincidence that I love to go hiking. I love to climb and the burning of my lungs as I keep climbing. The adrenaline pumping and coursing through my veins as I take another step up and forward in the climb. I know that if I keep going that the end result is going to be amazing and I’m going to feel so good about myself. I know that my body may hate me at first for putting it through that torture, but by the very end it’s going to say: “Thank you Carolyn!” I am like the body. I may not like You at the moment, but I know by the end of the hike I’m going to be saying: “Thank you God. Thank you for all the trials, for all the times where you pushed me to endure. For all the times you kept cheering me on. For everything!”

You see when we exercise or in my situation climb we are ripping and stretching our muscles. The reason why later on that day or the next day when our bodies hurt is because of that very reason and the fact that our muscles are trying to repair themselves and become stronger. Now that being said it is also that same way in our spiritual walks. We have to work to climb that mountain to show God that we are really that interested in Him and a relationship with Him. It is pursuing Him. Now our spiritual muscles are being ripped and stretched so they can repair themselves to be even stronger in the body.

Recently a friend of mine recommended that I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. To say the least it has taught me a lot of things about myself that I would have never known or even guessed. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had not healed wholly from my past and that in order to do so I needed to allow God to show me my beauty and that I was captivating to Him. I wasn’t some ugly girl that was to be locked away until use and old age accepted me. I was loved and adored by the God of the universe. The same one who paints every beautiful lily, rose, tulip, every flower, sun rise, and sun set differently. I was lovely. It has also taught me that I am delicate, that I don’t have to be independent! I can just be me without feeling judged or having self-doubt about myself. No matter what happens on that hike up the mountain that I have someone holding my rope to secure me telling me that it is alright, He isn’t letting go, to continue and finish the climb.

To wrap up quick, we are all on a hike, or climb. We are all trying to get to that highest peak, to finally call it quits, but we can’t! Our climb is never going to be over until we have reached that highest peak which is the day we enter into Heaven to rejoice and sit with our Creator. Now not always is the climb going to be easy, but we are always going to have someone to cheer us on, telling us to keep going because it is definitely worth it. Who knows what is in store for this New Year?! All I know is that I am going to smile through the pain, to show the world the beauty that God so gracefully and graciously adored on me! You don’t have to be strong all the time, because if you always are, when are you allowing God to be your strength? My friends may this year be like no other. May God just flourish in and around you and place His loving and beautiful creation everywhere you go to be mesmerized by Him! Happy New Year! Here is to a great year to come!!