writers block.

i hate it when i'm asked: "oh what were you just thinking about?" not because i don't want to share what i was just thinking about, but because i have no clue what i was just thinking about. later on it is in those moments when i am desperately searching my brain for what i was thinking about, that i am reminded of my dreams that God has placed on my heart. every second that i can daydream i do. i was reminded of the importance of dreaming yesterday. my pastor's wife preached for mother's day about dreaming. you see everyone has a calling or a dream, things that they want to see happen in their lives, but sometimes we have these little things called writers blocks, which can sometimes prohibit any kind of dreaming to occur.
recently i've been challenged to think about my calling, my dream. there are so many things that i wish i could share with the world on how i would love to turn the world upside down on its axis, but it is also these dreams that hold me back from doing so. i am reminded of the simple words my parents told me about being careful who you tell your dreams to, because not everyone is going to believe and want to see you achieve. there are going to be nay-sayers who are going to continuously put you down and try to kill your dreams, and when we start believing these people we start the process of writers block. we start allowing people to control our dreaming patterns and allow them to creep into those precious moments when we developed those dreams and kill them from the inside out.
recently i have been feeling like my creative juices where running on completely empty, like i had nothing left to even restart my system. i hit the writers block. i felt drained, like my life was somewhat sucked out of me. that even taking the slightest breath was going to break me. it was in these moments, however, when i truly allowed the author of my life to breath in me, and write a little more of this chapter. it was also in these moments when God sent some influential people into my life to just encourage me without even realizing it. now i'm not saying it was an overnight fix, because that would be a lie, but i am telling you that i started the process of breaking this awful writers block.
it was in this moment when i was trying to reignite my flame, my passion, my dream that a kari jobe song came on and sang to this tender part of my soul. her lyrics to we are say: so wake up sleeper, lift you head, we were meant for more than this, fight the shadows, conquer death make the most of the time we have left. my dream is waking up again and i know that it is a delicate process to fully reach my potential, but i'm not giving up. i'm not backing down until i see it fulfilled in all of its capacity. what so many people don't realize is that dreams make us human, they remind us that there is a God who before the foundations of time predestined us and already marked out the steps before us. they remind us that we are to keep going. so i ask you...what are your dreams? what have you stopped fighting for? what have you settled for? was it that relationship, was it that affirmation? now was it worth is? whatever your dream is, it is not too big, or small for you. it was made exactly the way it was for you because God knew that you would fight for it, conquer all the challenges and obstacles that came with it, and that you would see it through all the way until the end and then some. so don't give up, keep going. more than anything keep dreaming!

junior year.

wow! let's just say it's been awhile and since march & so much has changed. i don't know where to begin. it feels like yesterday i was walking back onto campus for the fall semester not knowing what to expect. it was then on my first day back that i honestly met my best friend. not knowing how she would be pouring into my life over the next few months. 12 of us sat in sga training not talking just looking around  the room awkwardly waiting for the year to start. fast forward to start teams, where i met so many of the new students & where new friendships were birthed. as the days progressed i remember writing on my calendar in the to do list section: "make new friends," & this year i did. the first days of school started & as october hit i dreaded going to class or even being at school. i wanted to be home, where there was comfort & life away from being stretched. little did i know the things that God had in store for me.
i would love to say that this year was an easy year all around, but that would be a lie. i can remember sitting in my room crying out for God to move in me, to show me yet again why he called me into ministry or better yet, why he loved me. it wasn't until december that i started getting the answers to these questions. i started to read the book Captivating & my world was turned upside down. i felt like every story, every topic in that book was written for me & about me. it helped me understand who i was & why i believed so much in people & in humanity as a whole. as fall semester wrapped up i was faced with yet again more opposition & hardships that i never saw coming. i felt so low & i was desperately seeking & reaching for a hand up. i was literally at my lowest i had been in years.
i had put so much pressure & stress on myself that i was finally starting to feel it & little by little i broke. as i sat in the prayer room all i could do was cry & again ask why? it was here that i vented and got everything out, & God just listened, but it was also here where he answered me completely. i was called to ministry because i believe in people, i believe that everyone could be saved & reached. that every youth student had the opportunity to be believed in & loved. that every person whether in the states or across the seas, they weren't too hard to love. that i had a plan and a calling on my life that i wasn't going to understand at times, but it was in these times that i needed to step aside & truly allow God to use me completely. he yearned for me. he was breaking my heart for those around me, but i had to understand that the things i was going through were for that girl or boy who was stressed & had no other outlet or option other than crying out to God. for that single mom who didn't know how she was going to provide for her children, that there was hope & a light at the end of the tunnel.
this year i was blessed to have several people who were influential & poured into my life time & time again. i had people who believed in me & prayed me through. & tonight was one of those nights where i truly felt the prayers of family & friends praying me through. i sat in my room waiting to check out & all i could do was cry as i saw so many of my friends from cbc graduate & walk across that stage getting their diplomas. i pitied myself & questioned why i was at vfcc. yet again it was God who answered & told me that there were things that i was never going to learn if i had stayed at cbc. there were times when i needed to be pushed completely out of my comfort zone & be challenged. i wasn't going to get it there. i had become comfortable & in turn lazy. i needed these people in my life to pour into me. i needed times like after easter when God broke me yet again for the heart of the youth & reminded me of his love. i needed times like this when i wasn't afraid to ask him questions. we each have our time when God is going to use us & not always do we understand these moments, but we look back on them and realize what God was doing. for me it was tonight when i got a little glimpse of what God had done in my life this past year & how he blessed me & directed me every step of the way thus far. thank you to all who poured into my life this year & challenged me to greater things that God has in store.