battles.

i hate that feeling when you're so exhausted and lay in bed for hours, and yet sleep never comes. i don't know what is wrong with me, but right about now all i want to do is cry. there has been a lot going on lately and i just feel that if i keep running or just keep moving then i can keep up with life, that in some way i'll be able to handle everything that is going on. unfortunately its not working out too well. tonight i was off from work and i was able to sit and talk with my mom which i haven't been able to do with my crazy life schedule. in many ways i was able to refocus and almost breathe some. i was able to bake and relax, kick my feet up, but not without having the million and one things that need to get done running through my brain the whole time. 

life recently has definitely felt like a battlefield, and once i've been through one and thought i'd won the war and i am quickly mistaken only to find that it was just merely the beginning of something else. i just haven't felt like me, that something is missing from me. that i'm not completely whole and right about now i'm not sure what i need to do to get back there. i feel drained and run down. like a warrior who has come home from war only to find that the war has reached my village and everything that i had once know and found beauty is gone. i felt so confident about decisions that i had made that i honestly lost sight of the process of how to get there. 

instead of dreams and hopes, fears and regrets have quickly replaced them. i feel dry. like i have just walked through the desert in search of an oasis only to find out that it is a mirage, and distant dream. i don't feel positive, just hurt and like a used napkin. i've been blessed with an amazing family who is always there for me to pick me back up and dust me off and many times put me back together, but right now i'm feeling that there is more to this equation that is missing. i'm broken in many aspects of my life and instead of being that encouragement to others, i feel like a burden. 

i guess the question is how do i fix this? how do i turn this around like so many heroes throughout history? how do i rise above this like mark anthony, or george washington? how do i face these battles and show no mercy in the face of my enemy like joan of arc, or esther? how do i get my strength back like sampson after his hair was cut about to pull the temple pillars down? how do i breathe again without every muscle in my body aching....? i rejoice in the precious knowledge that i am found by Him. that i have a plan and purpose on my life and no matter what is thrown i will rise above this!