i don't think there will ever be words to describe how I'm feeling exactly in this moment. there are days and moments when i'm reminded of the man my grandfather was. I'm reminded of the compassion and strength that he possessed. those are the happy moments. the happy memories. it feels like i'm untouchable, that nothing could ever bring me down from them. i feel like a weight lifted off my chest, that i can actually breath, that there isn't any pain in this world.
however i'm reminded of exactly how much the pain hurts and breaks you…it feels like a tidal wave of emotions and the tears never cease to stop streaming down my face. my eyes burn and ache from the pain of crying so much. it's days like this when i wish i could hide in my blankets and pillows and never come out again. i begin to question so many things and wonder why more than anything! in these moments i desperately search for a reason why.
i instantly feel guilty for questioning why. why God would take such a compassionate man, who loved his family beyond words, who was willing to give you the shirt off his back, who gave and gave and never asked why or for anything in return. why my grandfather who has loved me and made me feel like i was home. who told me how beautiful i was even if i bummed it that day. the man who was so tender hearted who told me to follow my dreams even in the face of opposition. why was my grandfather taken?! and even though i know these feelings are not ones he would ever want me to feel, to know that no matter what God's grace and arms of comfort would comfort me i still can't seem to shake them sometimes.
i just miss the hearty laugh he had when he found something so funny that he couldn't contain his laughter. i miss the little giggle he made when he knew something wasn't too funny, but felt bad because no one else would laugh. i miss just the small things like when he would shake the mustard bottle to get the little bit left out of the bottle. there isn't a whole lot that i don't miss about him. i know there isn't an exact time frame as to when the pain ends, when my heart doesn't feel like its breaking. i know it all takes time, but just wish it would just disappear!
i wish more people could have witnessed and encounter this man. i wish he could have been there sitting beside my grandmother one day when i walk down that aisle. i wish i could ask him so many questions about life, love, hope, and every topic under the sun. i feel selfish for wishing i had more time with this man! i wish there was more time, but you never feel like you ever have enough time with a person. so I'm going to make myself some tear soup and take my time learning the grieving process and hopefully ill wake up and the pain and brokenness won't seem so bad...
Friday, March 21, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
illuminate.
they say that right before a light bulb is about to blow it shines its brightest. although we don't notice or necessarily recognized it the statement stands true. this is sadly true when it comes to people as well. this statement is always what comes to mind right now when I'm trying to process and think beyond losing my grandfather. seeing him on saturday, the day before he passed, will forever be burned into my mind. i can still hear him laughing and telling stories of my dad and my brothers and i growing up. seeing his sweet spirit one last time. he illuminated and shined so bright and though i never realized it at the time, i will forever be grateful for that sweet memory that God allowed me to cherish.
my grandfather was the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly man i've ever met in probably my whole life. he taught me how to trick my grandmother into thinking he was sleeping and promptly scaring her when she went to "wake him." he taught me about having pride in my family, and who i was no matter what happened around me. the most important lesson that he will ever teach me was the love that you can have for someone who was not necessarily blood, but loving them as if they were you're very own. i know none of this may make sense to anyone, but finally being able to in some way verbalize all these emotions has helped with the closure of losing him.
many people don't know that i was adopted by my "step-dad" when i was in my teens. my dad however raised me and has been the only man I've ever known to be my dad. my dad surrounded us from day one with people that have shown us love and accepted us into a family that wasn't necessarily ours, but has become the backbone and the true meaning of family. i can remember being sick or feeling upset and looney and just being wrapped in my grandfathers arms. he never missed a grandpals day at school and the look of pride that was on his face when he walked in and sat with me overwhelms me now. i can honestly say he is a man that will forever be missed.
although i know he is in a much better place where he is no longer suffering it still doesn't erase the hole that was left in its wake. i know times heals all things, but honestly i wish i could just wake up from this awful nightmare and crawl into my grandfathers lap and feel his strong arms again. this past week i have seen so many similarities that he possessed in my own father. the pride that he has in his family, to the love that he displays to my mother and all of us children, to the warmth in just his presence near by. it pains and humbles me to see my father aching as he loses his mentor and father. it honestly puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate each and every day that i have with him and my mom.
again i apologize if none of this makes sense but honestly this is the first time i've actually grieved over losing someone. I've always had this fantasy that when someone passed it was because they were just going on vacation or moving away, they just weren't coming home anymore. however seeing my grandfather it has truly hit me, that he isn't going on vacation….grandpa i know you're up having a blast with your Creator, but i love you and miss you so much. do i have regrets yes absolutely, but i will always remember the words that you told me probably more than once: "never have regrets sweet one. live each moment to the fullest. make decisions that you feel are the best for YOU! and first and foremost seek God's plan for your life and let him be the one that leads you over and over again!" RIP Grandpa! you will forever be missed and in our hearts.
my grandfather was the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly man i've ever met in probably my whole life. he taught me how to trick my grandmother into thinking he was sleeping and promptly scaring her when she went to "wake him." he taught me about having pride in my family, and who i was no matter what happened around me. the most important lesson that he will ever teach me was the love that you can have for someone who was not necessarily blood, but loving them as if they were you're very own. i know none of this may make sense to anyone, but finally being able to in some way verbalize all these emotions has helped with the closure of losing him.
many people don't know that i was adopted by my "step-dad" when i was in my teens. my dad however raised me and has been the only man I've ever known to be my dad. my dad surrounded us from day one with people that have shown us love and accepted us into a family that wasn't necessarily ours, but has become the backbone and the true meaning of family. i can remember being sick or feeling upset and looney and just being wrapped in my grandfathers arms. he never missed a grandpals day at school and the look of pride that was on his face when he walked in and sat with me overwhelms me now. i can honestly say he is a man that will forever be missed.
although i know he is in a much better place where he is no longer suffering it still doesn't erase the hole that was left in its wake. i know times heals all things, but honestly i wish i could just wake up from this awful nightmare and crawl into my grandfathers lap and feel his strong arms again. this past week i have seen so many similarities that he possessed in my own father. the pride that he has in his family, to the love that he displays to my mother and all of us children, to the warmth in just his presence near by. it pains and humbles me to see my father aching as he loses his mentor and father. it honestly puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate each and every day that i have with him and my mom.
again i apologize if none of this makes sense but honestly this is the first time i've actually grieved over losing someone. I've always had this fantasy that when someone passed it was because they were just going on vacation or moving away, they just weren't coming home anymore. however seeing my grandfather it has truly hit me, that he isn't going on vacation….grandpa i know you're up having a blast with your Creator, but i love you and miss you so much. do i have regrets yes absolutely, but i will always remember the words that you told me probably more than once: "never have regrets sweet one. live each moment to the fullest. make decisions that you feel are the best for YOU! and first and foremost seek God's plan for your life and let him be the one that leads you over and over again!" RIP Grandpa! you will forever be missed and in our hearts.
Friday, February 14, 2014
ew love.
in the spirit of valentines i figured i would talk about love for a brief moment. while the idea of being in love is fascinating not everyone is blessed to share that special day like the rest of the world. now please don't think I'm bitter when i say this, but honestly we hype this day up on steroids and its hard to accomplish anything when you have the pressures of what you should actually do on this day. for those couples out there congrats on having a valentines and i wish you all many more, but for all us singles this is a day we should celebrate also. i will say that this past week has been extremely hard for me to come to grips with, until about 20 minutes ago.
i've always hated that my birthday has fallen so close to valentines day, not that i hate my birthday, but that i have to share it around the same time as valentine's day. i can't really express why in writing because it's just not going to come out right, but ill do the best i can i suppose. each year you get slammed in the face by those people who are madly in love walking down the street holding hands and being all lovey dovey, that it honestly nauseates me now. however there are four couples that i have come to look up to in many ways and know that while I'm waiting to spend this day with my mister special that its worth it…the first one is my brother Chris and his girlfriend Kara. although they are young they bring a new level of respect for me in the love department. teenagers now a days (way for me to sound old hahaha) have way more pressures on them than i did when i was in high school. whether its pressure to do drugs or go to the biggest parties, these two kids have so much respect and love for each other that it blows me away. they are honestly taking their time getting to know each other and not letting these things sway them. they have overcome a lot in the close to 4 short months that they have been together and its amazing how they just truly love and care for each other.
the next one is my Aunt Sue and Uncle Chris. the ultimate high school sweet hearts. speaking of overcoming much adversity is these two. these two have fought tooth and nail for each other over the years and it has shown me that sometimes there is that person worth fighting for, that no matter what people around you are saying that you sometimes just need to beat your own drum because it rings out louder than the rest.
one of my favorite couples that i've looked up to for probably all of my life is my mom and dad. another couple who has overcome so much in their almost 20 years together. they both came in with baggage (aka us 3 older kids) and fought for everything that they have. they have loved each other through the hard times and when it was easy to throw in the towel they decided to fight through it. they have been one of the first to show me that sometimes baggage isn't always bad. i give them props. my parents would rather go without for years than to have us kids go without anything and never ask for anything for it. thanks mom and dad!
last but certainly not least are my Nona and Poppy. going on close to 60 years strong these two have been my definition of the perfect marriage. although i know some of the stories growing up weren't always the best these two never gave up on each other. more recently they have showed me that you never give up ever! over the past 5 years they have proved this countless times. just about 5 years ago my Nona was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was given about 5 years to live fully. my Poppy never stopped fighting though. he has taken her to get vitamin b12 shots, been by her side when she was really losing it and honestly has been her rock to bring her back to the somewhat normal everyday routines of her life. just about 3 months ago the roles were reversed and she became his rock and foundation. they are each other lives and reasons to get up and live everyday. they are the fairy tale marriage that i want one day, although its not with prince charming and a beautiful princess their story will ring out loud through all of history even if its my own.
why am i sharing this? because i do believe in love, even on days and weeks when its hard. i believe that one day each one of these relationships is possible to accomplish. i believe that there is such things as fairy tale love although defined differently than what snow white, or cinderella may define it as. and as i wait patiently for my "prince charming" i know that it is worth fighting for and that he is out there. each of these couples teach me everyday the true meaning of love and that no matter what life may throw at you to never give up on that person!! so happy valentines day ladies and gents and for all you singles out there, there is hope and you have to first love yourself before you can honestly allow someone else to love you, because if you don't than how do you expect someone else to love you for you….
i've always hated that my birthday has fallen so close to valentines day, not that i hate my birthday, but that i have to share it around the same time as valentine's day. i can't really express why in writing because it's just not going to come out right, but ill do the best i can i suppose. each year you get slammed in the face by those people who are madly in love walking down the street holding hands and being all lovey dovey, that it honestly nauseates me now. however there are four couples that i have come to look up to in many ways and know that while I'm waiting to spend this day with my mister special that its worth it…the first one is my brother Chris and his girlfriend Kara. although they are young they bring a new level of respect for me in the love department. teenagers now a days (way for me to sound old hahaha) have way more pressures on them than i did when i was in high school. whether its pressure to do drugs or go to the biggest parties, these two kids have so much respect and love for each other that it blows me away. they are honestly taking their time getting to know each other and not letting these things sway them. they have overcome a lot in the close to 4 short months that they have been together and its amazing how they just truly love and care for each other.
the next one is my Aunt Sue and Uncle Chris. the ultimate high school sweet hearts. speaking of overcoming much adversity is these two. these two have fought tooth and nail for each other over the years and it has shown me that sometimes there is that person worth fighting for, that no matter what people around you are saying that you sometimes just need to beat your own drum because it rings out louder than the rest.
one of my favorite couples that i've looked up to for probably all of my life is my mom and dad. another couple who has overcome so much in their almost 20 years together. they both came in with baggage (aka us 3 older kids) and fought for everything that they have. they have loved each other through the hard times and when it was easy to throw in the towel they decided to fight through it. they have been one of the first to show me that sometimes baggage isn't always bad. i give them props. my parents would rather go without for years than to have us kids go without anything and never ask for anything for it. thanks mom and dad!
last but certainly not least are my Nona and Poppy. going on close to 60 years strong these two have been my definition of the perfect marriage. although i know some of the stories growing up weren't always the best these two never gave up on each other. more recently they have showed me that you never give up ever! over the past 5 years they have proved this countless times. just about 5 years ago my Nona was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was given about 5 years to live fully. my Poppy never stopped fighting though. he has taken her to get vitamin b12 shots, been by her side when she was really losing it and honestly has been her rock to bring her back to the somewhat normal everyday routines of her life. just about 3 months ago the roles were reversed and she became his rock and foundation. they are each other lives and reasons to get up and live everyday. they are the fairy tale marriage that i want one day, although its not with prince charming and a beautiful princess their story will ring out loud through all of history even if its my own.
why am i sharing this? because i do believe in love, even on days and weeks when its hard. i believe that one day each one of these relationships is possible to accomplish. i believe that there is such things as fairy tale love although defined differently than what snow white, or cinderella may define it as. and as i wait patiently for my "prince charming" i know that it is worth fighting for and that he is out there. each of these couples teach me everyday the true meaning of love and that no matter what life may throw at you to never give up on that person!! so happy valentines day ladies and gents and for all you singles out there, there is hope and you have to first love yourself before you can honestly allow someone else to love you, because if you don't than how do you expect someone else to love you for you….
Thursday, January 16, 2014
chose your worth.
there has been what seems like a lot of life lessons that i have come to recently learn probably in ways that could have been learned a littler easier, but i have pushed them off and allowed them to snowball until now. the past almost 4 months of my life have seemed like a year instead of the short time that it actually has been. there has been things that i have had to come to grips with that i honestly thought i never would have to, and other things that i have allowed to distract me from what i really want. however in the end it has been things that i can either chose to define me or i learn from. i am giving a fair warning now this is about to get raw…
at the end of october we as a family had a very hard situation present its nasty head. one of the most influential men in my life who i have looked up to since i was little, had to overcome probably one of the hardest things he will ever have to face. my poppy (also known as a grandfather) underwent open heart surgery. by the grace of God everything went well and he has a little up hill journey because of it. here is where i learned life lesson number one. although i have know this lesson for years i had to come to grips with it really fast. people and life are not immortal. not to sound like a debbie downer but the human body was not made to with stand being immortal. as much as i love to think as my poppy as superman, and he is in his own right, there will be a sad day when i will have to kiss him goodbye and see him on the other side.
for years i have been in denial of death. it honestly is because i haven't had too much death in my life and i don't know how to deal with it. i honestly think and have believed for years that when a person dies they are just going on vacation or moving and I'm just not going to see them again. its when its months or year(s) later when something reminds me of them that i deal with the waves of emotion that crash so violently on my shore. however that was not the case for my poppy. we had to prepare for the possibility that anything could happen. it was also here that i learned life lesson number two. in times like these the best person/people you could possibly lean on is your family. as much as everyone says that they will be there for you through those times they aren't. now i'm not saying that as a bad thing, but lets be honest everyone has their own life and things that are going on and can't be there 24/7. however the other people i.e. your family, that are going through this journey with you that are battling these emotions will become your biggest support.
life lesson number three comes from a different point however. towards the end of this time when my mom was coming home from my grandparents i allowed what seems like situation after situation to distract me. whether it was some stupid boy or "friends," i started to allow these things to define me. it wasn't until recently that my eyes were open to these things and i learned life lesson number three. only you can decide what defines you, only you can chose your worth. you are the keeper of yourself and you answer for the consequences of your actions, so whether you allow material things or boys, or other things that come up in life, you are the only one that has the final verdict and say to allow those things to start defining who you are. whether you allow what that person beside you that is saying that nasty crap about you, it doesn't matter if its true or not, you are the only that has to decide what your worth is. if you are going to put up with it or just walk away because you know it isn't worth the time of day.
i guess wrapping this all up, we all learn lessons like these at some point in our lives. as hard as they are to learn i encourage you to in a way embrace them. learn from them. decide what you are going to let define you. chose who you want to be and don't stop until you have reached it. chose your worth. and more than anything once you have made your decision hold your head up and be confident in those decisions.
at the end of october we as a family had a very hard situation present its nasty head. one of the most influential men in my life who i have looked up to since i was little, had to overcome probably one of the hardest things he will ever have to face. my poppy (also known as a grandfather) underwent open heart surgery. by the grace of God everything went well and he has a little up hill journey because of it. here is where i learned life lesson number one. although i have know this lesson for years i had to come to grips with it really fast. people and life are not immortal. not to sound like a debbie downer but the human body was not made to with stand being immortal. as much as i love to think as my poppy as superman, and he is in his own right, there will be a sad day when i will have to kiss him goodbye and see him on the other side.
for years i have been in denial of death. it honestly is because i haven't had too much death in my life and i don't know how to deal with it. i honestly think and have believed for years that when a person dies they are just going on vacation or moving and I'm just not going to see them again. its when its months or year(s) later when something reminds me of them that i deal with the waves of emotion that crash so violently on my shore. however that was not the case for my poppy. we had to prepare for the possibility that anything could happen. it was also here that i learned life lesson number two. in times like these the best person/people you could possibly lean on is your family. as much as everyone says that they will be there for you through those times they aren't. now i'm not saying that as a bad thing, but lets be honest everyone has their own life and things that are going on and can't be there 24/7. however the other people i.e. your family, that are going through this journey with you that are battling these emotions will become your biggest support.
life lesson number three comes from a different point however. towards the end of this time when my mom was coming home from my grandparents i allowed what seems like situation after situation to distract me. whether it was some stupid boy or "friends," i started to allow these things to define me. it wasn't until recently that my eyes were open to these things and i learned life lesson number three. only you can decide what defines you, only you can chose your worth. you are the keeper of yourself and you answer for the consequences of your actions, so whether you allow material things or boys, or other things that come up in life, you are the only one that has the final verdict and say to allow those things to start defining who you are. whether you allow what that person beside you that is saying that nasty crap about you, it doesn't matter if its true or not, you are the only that has to decide what your worth is. if you are going to put up with it or just walk away because you know it isn't worth the time of day.
i guess wrapping this all up, we all learn lessons like these at some point in our lives. as hard as they are to learn i encourage you to in a way embrace them. learn from them. decide what you are going to let define you. chose who you want to be and don't stop until you have reached it. chose your worth. and more than anything once you have made your decision hold your head up and be confident in those decisions.
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