i don't think there will ever be words to describe how I'm feeling exactly in this moment. there are days and moments when i'm reminded of the man my grandfather was. I'm reminded of the compassion and strength that he possessed. those are the happy moments. the happy memories. it feels like i'm untouchable, that nothing could ever bring me down from them. i feel like a weight lifted off my chest, that i can actually breath, that there isn't any pain in this world.
however i'm reminded of exactly how much the pain hurts and breaks you…it feels like a tidal wave of emotions and the tears never cease to stop streaming down my face. my eyes burn and ache from the pain of crying so much. it's days like this when i wish i could hide in my blankets and pillows and never come out again. i begin to question so many things and wonder why more than anything! in these moments i desperately search for a reason why.
i instantly feel guilty for questioning why. why God would take such a compassionate man, who loved his family beyond words, who was willing to give you the shirt off his back, who gave and gave and never asked why or for anything in return. why my grandfather who has loved me and made me feel like i was home. who told me how beautiful i was even if i bummed it that day. the man who was so tender hearted who told me to follow my dreams even in the face of opposition. why was my grandfather taken?! and even though i know these feelings are not ones he would ever want me to feel, to know that no matter what God's grace and arms of comfort would comfort me i still can't seem to shake them sometimes.
i just miss the hearty laugh he had when he found something so funny that he couldn't contain his laughter. i miss the little giggle he made when he knew something wasn't too funny, but felt bad because no one else would laugh. i miss just the small things like when he would shake the mustard bottle to get the little bit left out of the bottle. there isn't a whole lot that i don't miss about him. i know there isn't an exact time frame as to when the pain ends, when my heart doesn't feel like its breaking. i know it all takes time, but just wish it would just disappear!
i wish more people could have witnessed and encounter this man. i wish he could have been there sitting beside my grandmother one day when i walk down that aisle. i wish i could ask him so many questions about life, love, hope, and every topic under the sun. i feel selfish for wishing i had more time with this man! i wish there was more time, but you never feel like you ever have enough time with a person. so I'm going to make myself some tear soup and take my time learning the grieving process and hopefully ill wake up and the pain and brokenness won't seem so bad...
Friday, March 21, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
illuminate.
they say that right before a light bulb is about to blow it shines its brightest. although we don't notice or necessarily recognized it the statement stands true. this is sadly true when it comes to people as well. this statement is always what comes to mind right now when I'm trying to process and think beyond losing my grandfather. seeing him on saturday, the day before he passed, will forever be burned into my mind. i can still hear him laughing and telling stories of my dad and my brothers and i growing up. seeing his sweet spirit one last time. he illuminated and shined so bright and though i never realized it at the time, i will forever be grateful for that sweet memory that God allowed me to cherish.
my grandfather was the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly man i've ever met in probably my whole life. he taught me how to trick my grandmother into thinking he was sleeping and promptly scaring her when she went to "wake him." he taught me about having pride in my family, and who i was no matter what happened around me. the most important lesson that he will ever teach me was the love that you can have for someone who was not necessarily blood, but loving them as if they were you're very own. i know none of this may make sense to anyone, but finally being able to in some way verbalize all these emotions has helped with the closure of losing him.
many people don't know that i was adopted by my "step-dad" when i was in my teens. my dad however raised me and has been the only man I've ever known to be my dad. my dad surrounded us from day one with people that have shown us love and accepted us into a family that wasn't necessarily ours, but has become the backbone and the true meaning of family. i can remember being sick or feeling upset and looney and just being wrapped in my grandfathers arms. he never missed a grandpals day at school and the look of pride that was on his face when he walked in and sat with me overwhelms me now. i can honestly say he is a man that will forever be missed.
although i know he is in a much better place where he is no longer suffering it still doesn't erase the hole that was left in its wake. i know times heals all things, but honestly i wish i could just wake up from this awful nightmare and crawl into my grandfathers lap and feel his strong arms again. this past week i have seen so many similarities that he possessed in my own father. the pride that he has in his family, to the love that he displays to my mother and all of us children, to the warmth in just his presence near by. it pains and humbles me to see my father aching as he loses his mentor and father. it honestly puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate each and every day that i have with him and my mom.
again i apologize if none of this makes sense but honestly this is the first time i've actually grieved over losing someone. I've always had this fantasy that when someone passed it was because they were just going on vacation or moving away, they just weren't coming home anymore. however seeing my grandfather it has truly hit me, that he isn't going on vacation….grandpa i know you're up having a blast with your Creator, but i love you and miss you so much. do i have regrets yes absolutely, but i will always remember the words that you told me probably more than once: "never have regrets sweet one. live each moment to the fullest. make decisions that you feel are the best for YOU! and first and foremost seek God's plan for your life and let him be the one that leads you over and over again!" RIP Grandpa! you will forever be missed and in our hearts.
my grandfather was the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly man i've ever met in probably my whole life. he taught me how to trick my grandmother into thinking he was sleeping and promptly scaring her when she went to "wake him." he taught me about having pride in my family, and who i was no matter what happened around me. the most important lesson that he will ever teach me was the love that you can have for someone who was not necessarily blood, but loving them as if they were you're very own. i know none of this may make sense to anyone, but finally being able to in some way verbalize all these emotions has helped with the closure of losing him.
many people don't know that i was adopted by my "step-dad" when i was in my teens. my dad however raised me and has been the only man I've ever known to be my dad. my dad surrounded us from day one with people that have shown us love and accepted us into a family that wasn't necessarily ours, but has become the backbone and the true meaning of family. i can remember being sick or feeling upset and looney and just being wrapped in my grandfathers arms. he never missed a grandpals day at school and the look of pride that was on his face when he walked in and sat with me overwhelms me now. i can honestly say he is a man that will forever be missed.
although i know he is in a much better place where he is no longer suffering it still doesn't erase the hole that was left in its wake. i know times heals all things, but honestly i wish i could just wake up from this awful nightmare and crawl into my grandfathers lap and feel his strong arms again. this past week i have seen so many similarities that he possessed in my own father. the pride that he has in his family, to the love that he displays to my mother and all of us children, to the warmth in just his presence near by. it pains and humbles me to see my father aching as he loses his mentor and father. it honestly puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate each and every day that i have with him and my mom.
again i apologize if none of this makes sense but honestly this is the first time i've actually grieved over losing someone. I've always had this fantasy that when someone passed it was because they were just going on vacation or moving away, they just weren't coming home anymore. however seeing my grandfather it has truly hit me, that he isn't going on vacation….grandpa i know you're up having a blast with your Creator, but i love you and miss you so much. do i have regrets yes absolutely, but i will always remember the words that you told me probably more than once: "never have regrets sweet one. live each moment to the fullest. make decisions that you feel are the best for YOU! and first and foremost seek God's plan for your life and let him be the one that leads you over and over again!" RIP Grandpa! you will forever be missed and in our hearts.
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