chose your worth.

there has been what seems like a lot of life lessons that i have come to recently learn probably in ways that could have been learned a littler easier, but i have pushed them off and allowed them to snowball until now. the past almost 4 months of my life have seemed like a year instead of the short time that it actually has been. there has been things that i have had to come to grips with that i honestly thought i never would have to, and other things that i have allowed to distract me from what i really want. however in the end it has been things that i can either chose to define me or i learn from. i am giving a fair warning now this is about to get raw…
at the end of october we as a family had a very hard situation present its nasty head. one of the most influential men in my life who i have looked up to since i was little, had to overcome probably one of the hardest things he will ever have to face. my poppy (also known as a grandfather) underwent open heart surgery. by the grace of God everything went well and he has a little up hill journey because of it. here is where i learned life lesson number one. although i have know this lesson for years i had to come to grips with it really fast. people and life are not immortal. not to sound like a debbie downer but the human body was not made to with stand being immortal. as much as i love to think as my poppy as superman, and he is in his own right, there will be a sad day when i will have to kiss him goodbye and see him on the other side.
for years i have been in denial of death. it honestly is because i haven't had too much death in my life and i don't know how to deal with it. i honestly think and have believed for years that when a person dies they are just going on vacation or moving and I'm just not going to see them again. its when its months or year(s) later when something reminds me of them that i deal with the waves of emotion that crash so violently on my shore. however that was not the case for my poppy. we had to prepare for the possibility that anything could happen. it was also here that i learned life lesson number two. in times like these the best person/people you could possibly lean on is your family. as much as everyone says that they will be there for you through those times they aren't. now i'm not saying that as a bad thing, but lets be honest everyone has their own life and things that are going on and can't be there 24/7. however the other people i.e. your family, that are going through this journey with you that are battling these emotions will become your biggest support.
life lesson number three comes from a different point however. towards the end of this time when my mom was coming home from my grandparents i allowed what seems like situation after situation to distract me. whether it was some stupid boy or "friends," i started to allow these things to define me. it wasn't until recently that my eyes were open to these things and i learned life lesson number three. only you can decide what defines you, only you can chose your worth. you are the keeper of yourself and you answer for the consequences of your actions, so whether you allow material things or boys, or other things that come up in life, you are the only one that has the final verdict and say to allow those things to start defining who you are. whether you allow what that person beside you that is saying that nasty crap about you, it doesn't matter if its true or not, you are the only that has to decide what your worth is. if you are going to put up with it or just walk away because you know it isn't worth the time of day.
i guess wrapping this all up, we all learn lessons like these at some point in our lives. as hard as they are to learn i encourage you to in a way embrace them. learn from them. decide what you are going to let define you. chose who you want to be and don't stop until you have reached it. chose your worth. and more than anything once you have made your decision hold your head up and be confident in those decisions.

reflections.

tonight/this morning as i couldn't fall asleep i got my sketch book and flipped to the last page that i was working on. it was the rough beginnings of a face that i started weeks ago, but couldn't finish. i couldn't relate to it. i felt like i was doing all the talking deciding facial features for it, deciding the pain it felt, and i quickly became frustrated and put it away. as i had my headphones in sara bareilles gravity song came on. i've always had this weird connection with music and as i listened to the song i started to hear my sketch come to life.

i started flipping through my profile pictures on Facebook knowing exactly what or more like who i was sketching. as i was flipping through looking at the different features i came across the one. it was a picture i took almost a year ago of my mom and i. the picture showed a girl who was confident in herself. a girl who wasn't wrapped up in stupid petty stuff. someone who was secure about herself and didn't let the little things get to her. there was a light in her eyes. as i looked at my reflection in that picture the chorus of sara's song hit me.

she writes: "set me free, leave me be. i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. here i am and i stand so tall, i'm just the way I'm suppose to be. you're onto me and all over me." recently i've felt out of tune with the rest of myself. i've let some stupid stuff get in my face and become an issue instead of pushing it away like the pest that it is. i think it was at this point that i really saw my sketch for who she was….it was in that moment when i saw the strong independent woman again. the happy girl who my mom said in a comment has a sweet spirit. it was here that i cracked.

i have felt like this piece of sketch. i've felt the eraser marks over and over again. while i try so hard to reach that level of pure perfection i know i've failed. i think I've truly grasp why we call it a rough sketch and why for so many of us thats what our lives feel like. its because we are rough, we haven't hit perfection and won't ever truly. but its in these moments of imperfection that we truly see who we are. we see that reflection and it brings us back to our gravity, our center. i'm reminded of why i have stand strong tattooed on my ribs. it is one of the most sensitive spots on the human body to get tattooed and its a daily reminder that i am strong! i can thank the amazing family and friends who love me through the hard times and for me just being me! i have confidence because i have a support system that backs me 100%. they are my rock and strength through the storms.

nomad wandering.

i don't really know how to put this. it is kind of like how i've been feeling these past several months. is it really possible to have a mid-life crisis and only be 23? i honestly don't know who i am anymore, what i like or dislike, or even what i'm doing. it honestly feels like going through the motions of my own life. i feel frozen in time as i'm watching my life pass and having that numb feeling to it. i can't honestly pin point when it happened, but it was like one day i woke up and BAM here it was! i think i've tried everything under the sun to shake myself out of it. it's like an itch that just wont quit! 

i don't feel like me anymore. i've let a lot of things just envelop my life, some things i thought were good and right, but only to seem to have blown up in my face! i don't know why or how it happened, it just did. i let my wall down for that brief second and it's like the troops storming the beach of Normandy. i've watched sappy romantic movies hoping that that would bring about some kind of emotional response, or even action and thriller, but alas nothing. where have i gone?

how do you return to the land or normalcy? how do you snap yourself out of it? i wish it was like in inception when they just dunked the person in water and it woke them up from their dreams. and an even better question will i feel this again at some point in my life? will i feel like i can't breath, like i can't even walk down my street without feeling some strange sense that i have to look over my shoulder, like my life is falling apart in my hands and there's honestly nothing i can do to stop it? it's like i'm afraid of my own shadow for some strange reason. 

when did i become this person? and when will i wake up from this emotional nightmare? i feel a sense of compliancy which i don't think i've felt in such a long time. maybe it is time for a new move, for something else...is this a mid-life crisis or just me? how do you move on when everything you once thought you knew was still tied to that one thing...when even turning on the radio reminded you of it? how do you return to that place or normalcy again? 

growth.

it has honestly been awhile and while i would love to blame a million things i can only blame myself. i can't tell you how many times i've sat down to even journal and i've just stared at the page. i'm at a loss for words. there has been a lot of things going on around me, and within me and i've tried to juggle them all and put the pieces together, but no matter what the equation i can't figure out what the ultimate picture is suppose to look like...i feel that in some way i don't even know who i am anymore. i guess though that is kind of what life is. the continuous growth and changing. i have to look at it like a scientist would look at a chemical reaction. if he adds too much of one chemical or gas it is not going to give him the reaction that he is ultimately looking for.
we add and subtract things out of our lives daily without really thinking of the ramifications or the consequences of those decisions and actions. i think i've been doing a lot of subtracting without adding some of the fundamentals that i need so i can get the reaction that i want. instead i am left re-examing my life countless times within the last couple of months to determine if i am making the right decisions, if i'm letting the right people go or welcoming the right ones into my life. i am at a stage in my life where there isn't a whole lot that is making sense, i know where i want to be and what i want to be doing its just the journey of how to actually get there that is yet again the biggest issue. they say that once you get over one hurdle there is yet another one just yards away waiting to be conquered in order to complete the race.
i find it funny how we dream of how our lives are going to go and the direction of how its going to lead, but when rubber meets the road and you're faced with all the hard decisions that in your head you've panned out exactly how you're going to react you melt like a hot crayon on the sidewalk in the middle of summer. you don't react the way you wanted and instead of taking those 5 steps forward you've just taken 10 steps back. i've gotten distracted in the process become numb to things around me. i haven't reacted to things the way i should have, or the way i've been taught. and instead of feeling some kind of completeness it's like i've drilled a hole even bigger.
this past weekend we started the easter production at my church and as i walk around that building i've been hit by numerous and countless memories. for example: walking across that stage the sunday before i graduated high school to meet my youth pastor who told me that no matter what he was proud of me and the woman i was turning into. how about the summer i than interned for him and spent countless hours sitting in the youth center pouring into the students around me telling them that they were precious and no matter what was going on i was going to love them and be there for them, cheering them on every step of the way. another one would be that summer when i feel in love with a country that wasn't my own. or the countless hours i put in learning from numerous people around allowing myself to be shaped and molded.
i didn't do any of those things because i want a big plague or to be honored, but i did it because i was passionate about something! i put in all those hours because it was what i LOVED to do! what i still LOVE DOING!! i would trade in my full time job to sit with students all day making only a fraction of what i make now because i look into their eyes and i see the potential, the love that they are desperate for, the joy of life all around them. they to me are worth it. they are worth waking up for everyday to be able to tell them how proud i am of them, of how much i love them, how i will always be there no matter where life leads, and when the world turns their backs against them i'll be there to support their biggest dreams!
God has seriously blessed me with some of the most amazing opportunities and i guess the question now is what am i going to do with those blessings? it's like a game of scrabble carolyn. i've given you all the tiles and the word to even spell out, but what will you spell out with tiles that i've given you...?

dreams.

as children we all have dreams of the kind of person we want to be when we grow up. many choose occupations like being a firefighter, police officer, lawyers, doctors, famous athletics, and the list can go on and on. for me i wanted to be a lawyer so badly. i watched shows like law and order trying to mimic the characters hoping that one day i could grow up and fight for something or someone, that i could bring justice into the world. i idled people like my uncle jim without really knowing why other than the fact that he was a lawyer and in my mind was a huge successful man (which he is). but somewhere along the way i either grew out of my dream or i felt like something better came along. now being almost 23 i honestly don't know what my dream is anymore.

dreams have always fascinated me, whether daydreaming or dreaming at night. i have no clue why. i think the biggest explanation is probably dreaming allowed me to escape into another "world." a world that didn't have hurts or pains, that i could always be that little girl with no cares to the world around me. recently dreams have been what has consumed my every sleeping moment. which has lead me into actually seeing if this was normal, or if there was something wrong with me that i could fix.

see what i didn't realize is that in order to survive your brain needs to dream. it is what helps the brain digest everything that is going on in our everyday lives, it helps to process the joys, and the overwhelming times in life. without dreaming our brains would literally turn into mush. just like the heart the brain has to stay active for our survival. and while most people "don't remember" their dreams everyone dreams every single night. what most people don't also know is that when they say that they don't dream it is from either repression, stress, or ignoring the dream that gives us those feelings.

what i'm trying to get at i guess is that dreams are essential to our lives. it's how we allow ourselves to move forward. so challenge question: what are your dreams? is it that new house, car, job, future, or is it that dream that seems impossible to everyone around you? what most people don't know is that those wealthy billionaires, or those people that we look up to so much, started their companies on dreams.  happy dreaming...

battles.

i hate that feeling when you're so exhausted and lay in bed for hours, and yet sleep never comes. i don't know what is wrong with me, but right about now all i want to do is cry. there has been a lot going on lately and i just feel that if i keep running or just keep moving then i can keep up with life, that in some way i'll be able to handle everything that is going on. unfortunately its not working out too well. tonight i was off from work and i was able to sit and talk with my mom which i haven't been able to do with my crazy life schedule. in many ways i was able to refocus and almost breathe some. i was able to bake and relax, kick my feet up, but not without having the million and one things that need to get done running through my brain the whole time. 

life recently has definitely felt like a battlefield, and once i've been through one and thought i'd won the war and i am quickly mistaken only to find that it was just merely the beginning of something else. i just haven't felt like me, that something is missing from me. that i'm not completely whole and right about now i'm not sure what i need to do to get back there. i feel drained and run down. like a warrior who has come home from war only to find that the war has reached my village and everything that i had once know and found beauty is gone. i felt so confident about decisions that i had made that i honestly lost sight of the process of how to get there. 

instead of dreams and hopes, fears and regrets have quickly replaced them. i feel dry. like i have just walked through the desert in search of an oasis only to find out that it is a mirage, and distant dream. i don't feel positive, just hurt and like a used napkin. i've been blessed with an amazing family who is always there for me to pick me back up and dust me off and many times put me back together, but right now i'm feeling that there is more to this equation that is missing. i'm broken in many aspects of my life and instead of being that encouragement to others, i feel like a burden. 

i guess the question is how do i fix this? how do i turn this around like so many heroes throughout history? how do i rise above this like mark anthony, or george washington? how do i face these battles and show no mercy in the face of my enemy like joan of arc, or esther? how do i get my strength back like sampson after his hair was cut about to pull the temple pillars down? how do i breathe again without every muscle in my body aching....? i rejoice in the precious knowledge that i am found by Him. that i have a plan and purpose on my life and no matter what is thrown i will rise above this! 

transitions.

there are always funny feelings that people get when they are faced with transitions. i honestly think that it is from not really having a guide, or a set of rules on how to deal with such things. excitement and peace seems to course through my veins every time that i've made a decision, but not without the same amount of anxiousness and nervousness. i get anxious because i'm ready for this new change, and chapter in my life, but i'm nervous on how people are going to react. i guess these feelings are normal and natural, but with the support of some amazing family and friends these decisions and transitions seem not to matter. i think that every decision and transition that i've ever made has been one that maybe during the first week was overwhelming, but getting used to a new schedule soothes and calms all these feelings.
it has definitely been a year of transition and i know it is not over. this summer i've had the opportunity to work with my district youth director. that means finishing the last minute planning for the two weeks of youth camp, getting those preparations ready, heading to camp, working with the youth alive missionary, and now the planning for the back to school event. while trying to transition back to home, trying to find a job, trying to transition into my internship and now transitioning into my job; its definitely been a year of learning to let go and be flexible. transition is all about being flexible, and how you are going to face those little details that are going to be thrown at you. the literal definition is: the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. 
transition and changing is what develops us into the people we are going to be. transition teaches us to let go and trust that everything is going to be okay. it teaches us about the trust we are supposed to have in God each and every day. transition although scary at times, is necessary in a healthy growth. yet again i am learning about such transitions. that excitement and peace is pulsing through me, but not without some heartfelt sadness. i will not be scared as i step out on the water because i've locked my eyes on the one who called me out. i know that as i transition that the words that worth dying for sings in risen from the grave is what my heart is feeling. they simply say: 

And I'll dance with You 'till my knees go weak
And I'll sing 'till I can't sing anymore
And I'll lift my hands 'till they fall asleep
Just to show You, Lord, You're the one I adore

Wonderful
My Healer
Giver of grace
Cuz You have risen from the grave
Faith's my sight
You're my might
Impossible is slain
Cuz You have risen from the grave

transitions...Life, it seems, is nothing if not a series of initiations, transitions and incorporations--Alan Dundes