panama

today i had an interview about my plans for next summer in regards to my internship. i was asked what i was planning on doing and all i could think about was those 10 days this summer when i was back in a country that i love and yearn for so much right now. all i could see was all the faces of the little children that we ministered to this summer. the faces of those in Boquette as we passed by them in the streets. the feel of the floor in the church on that friday night as we ministered and i encountered God in such a new way. as i truly found my fire and passion again...

as i was sitting in that office talking about my plans all i could think in those moments was: "God is this how you feel and yearn for your people?" if i feel like this for a country where i spent only 20 days in my whole life, how is it that God feels like this every single day as He yearns for His children to come home and back to Him? when we sing the song by Hillsong and it says: "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours..." i don't think i've actually thought God would actually break my heart like that...until today. no matter what i do i can't shake this feeling of having to be there. there isn't enough to do or fill my day with that will take this painful, yet joyous thing from my heart.

there isn't enough homework that i can have that will stop me from thinking about panama, or its people, children, problems...there isn't enough time that i could waste on Facebook that would take my mind off of panama because without fail i look at all the pictures that were taken on those trips and yearn so desperately to be back there. i hate to say this too, but there isn't enough time that i could spend with my friends that would make me stop and forget about panama even for a second. there isn't enough music in my iTunes that would take my mind off of it, in fact without fail the cd that i got from panama ends up playing and it takes me back to that Sunday morning, and then to that afternoon spending time at the Teen Challenge...

how much time is going to have to pass before i can step back onto that ground, to see those precious faces of the children who are living without a father, or parents at all...how much time am i going to have to dwell on the idea and daydream about being back there? Lord grant my heart peace and contentness until i am back in that country. continue to remind me of those who are here that need your healing touch, your grace bestowed upon them, and for those who are ready to give up on everything including life. touch them, give them the strength and courage to face another day. grant them that peace that they so desperately need and are searching for. also touch panama that their hearts would be so open and willing to receive you, to hear all that you have for them, and the love that you are so willing to pour unto them. give me the spirit of patience again to wait for that time when i can go back and see your mighty hand at work....

to do lists.

college has officially started again, and here i am sitting at my kitchen table at home combining all my syllabuses (yes this is how you spell it, i looked it up) into all 3 of my calendars while singing along to andy grammer. usually i would be sitting in the library doing all of these, minus the singing, but due to the fact of having my wisdom teeth out a week ago, i had to come home for a check up to make sure i don't have any infections and everything is healing properly. as i was sitting here though i couldn't help but think of the day that i just had. it wasn't a bad day at all, it was actually a good day, where i just got to hang out with a bunch of my friends through out my day, and it was filled with God moments. last night i had a weird dream, that i wouldn't bore anyone with and which could have started off my day with me being so inquisitive, but as i was doing my hair this morning i couldn't help but ask God what it all meant. here is where it gets interesting.
about 3 years ago i had finished my senior year of high school and was visiting my grandparents up in New Hampshire. as i was sitting on the beach one day i just got a weird cold chill for it being the middle of summer and a super hot day. this sent me on a whirlwind of thoughts about new england. most people who aren't raised in the north consider northerns cold, hard, and not very open. as i was sitting there on the beach reading God just stopped me in my tracks, little did i know what i was getting myself into. in those next few moments God shared some precious things that He had in store for me. He told me that new england is often times stuck in the old religious traditions and that they needed something fresh and new. that one day i would be planting a church in new england.
well the past three years have come and gone and i haven't thought of that day since until today. i numbed part of me because i was scared and also because i had put so many to do lists in front of it. i got so distracted which happens to everyone. as much as it stinks to think that i had allowed things to come in the way of my relationship with God. it also reminded me that no matter how forgotten something may seem, that it is never forgotten to God. He never forgets something that He has created and even given us the opportunity to have our hands in. there have been times were all of us at some point feel like we are forgotten not only to the people around us, but we sometimes feel like God has forgotten us. but it is utterly impossible for Him to ever forget us. He has promised us over and over again that he will never leave us nor forsake us, that we are held in the palm of His hand, and we are not forgotten. there are no to do lists that stand between us and Him. We are not alone for we are safe in His arms because the hands that hold the world are holding our hearts.
although we don't always know what tomorrow will bring or be like we can always know that God has some plan in store. it could be that He is trying to grasp our attention, or maybe it is to show us that He is the one holding us in the middle of the night as we are crying out for help and for saving. each of us has a purpose and a plan that only He can answer and bring to fruition. it is in these moments when all we need to do is cry out to Him. to totally and utterly trust and put all of our hope in Him. it is never easy and as we walk through those moments of feeling alone and forgotten, but He is whispering to us saying: "here i am. trust me for i know what i am doing. i am the only one! just hang on for you my child were made for this!" like a mother and her baby we are not forgotten.