panama

today i had an interview about my plans for next summer in regards to my internship. i was asked what i was planning on doing and all i could think about was those 10 days this summer when i was back in a country that i love and yearn for so much right now. all i could see was all the faces of the little children that we ministered to this summer. the faces of those in Boquette as we passed by them in the streets. the feel of the floor in the church on that friday night as we ministered and i encountered God in such a new way. as i truly found my fire and passion again...

as i was sitting in that office talking about my plans all i could think in those moments was: "God is this how you feel and yearn for your people?" if i feel like this for a country where i spent only 20 days in my whole life, how is it that God feels like this every single day as He yearns for His children to come home and back to Him? when we sing the song by Hillsong and it says: "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours..." i don't think i've actually thought God would actually break my heart like that...until today. no matter what i do i can't shake this feeling of having to be there. there isn't enough to do or fill my day with that will take this painful, yet joyous thing from my heart.

there isn't enough homework that i can have that will stop me from thinking about panama, or its people, children, problems...there isn't enough time that i could waste on Facebook that would take my mind off of panama because without fail i look at all the pictures that were taken on those trips and yearn so desperately to be back there. i hate to say this too, but there isn't enough time that i could spend with my friends that would make me stop and forget about panama even for a second. there isn't enough music in my iTunes that would take my mind off of it, in fact without fail the cd that i got from panama ends up playing and it takes me back to that Sunday morning, and then to that afternoon spending time at the Teen Challenge...

how much time is going to have to pass before i can step back onto that ground, to see those precious faces of the children who are living without a father, or parents at all...how much time am i going to have to dwell on the idea and daydream about being back there? Lord grant my heart peace and contentness until i am back in that country. continue to remind me of those who are here that need your healing touch, your grace bestowed upon them, and for those who are ready to give up on everything including life. touch them, give them the strength and courage to face another day. grant them that peace that they so desperately need and are searching for. also touch panama that their hearts would be so open and willing to receive you, to hear all that you have for them, and the love that you are so willing to pour unto them. give me the spirit of patience again to wait for that time when i can go back and see your mighty hand at work....