tear soup.

i don't think there will ever be words to describe how I'm feeling exactly in this moment. there are days and moments when i'm reminded of the man my grandfather was. I'm reminded of the compassion and strength that he possessed. those are the happy moments. the happy memories. it feels like i'm untouchable, that nothing could ever bring me down from them. i feel like a weight lifted off my chest, that i can actually breath, that there isn't any pain in this world.
however i'm reminded of exactly how much the pain hurts and breaks you…it feels like a tidal wave of emotions and the tears never cease to stop streaming down my face. my eyes burn and ache from the pain of crying so much. it's days like this when i wish i could hide in my blankets and pillows and never come out again. i begin to question so many things and wonder why more than anything! in these moments i desperately search for a reason why.
i instantly feel guilty for questioning why. why God would take such a compassionate man, who loved his family beyond words, who was willing to give you the shirt off his back, who gave and gave and never asked why or for anything in return. why my grandfather who has loved me and made me feel like i was home. who told me how beautiful i was even if i bummed it that day. the man who was so tender hearted who told me to follow my dreams even in the face of opposition. why was my grandfather taken?! and even though i know these feelings are not ones he would ever want me to feel, to know that no matter what God's grace and arms of comfort would comfort me i still can't seem to shake them sometimes.
i just miss the hearty laugh he had when he found something so funny that he couldn't contain his laughter. i miss the little giggle he made when he knew something wasn't too funny, but felt bad because no one else would laugh. i miss just the small things like when he would shake the mustard bottle to get the little bit left out of the bottle. there isn't a whole lot that i don't miss about him. i know there isn't an exact time frame as to when the pain ends, when my heart doesn't feel like its breaking. i know it all takes time, but just wish it would just disappear!
i wish more people could have witnessed and encounter this man. i wish he could have been there sitting beside my grandmother one day when i walk down that aisle. i wish i could ask him so many questions about life, love, hope, and every topic under the sun. i feel selfish for wishing i had more time with this man! i wish there was more time, but you never feel like you ever have enough time with a person. so I'm going to make myself some tear soup and take my time learning the grieving process and hopefully ill wake up and the pain and brokenness won't seem so bad...