definition.

as a child when i was reading or doing homework and came across a word i didn't know i would ask my mom or dad what the word meant. every time my dad always said: get the dictionary. now that was never the problem because surprisingly i love the dictionary. the problem was how ancient our dictionary was. see it had been passed down from my great grandfather on my dad's side and was huge, heavy, and smelled weird. needless to say i would flip through the first couple of pages and then close it and keep reading. without fail my dad would always ask: so what does the word mean? feeling guilty i would open the dictionary back up and have to find it and tell him. interesting he said. and would carry on his day. another thing that would frustrate me was in the back of said dictionary was a list of names and meanings of those names. like always mine was never to be found.
the real question is though was i really looking for the definition of my name? or was i looking for a definition of who i am? you see so many times we walk around thinking that we are defined by the things around us. the label on our clothes, the price tag on the car that we drive, the guy/girl on our arm, when in reality none of that is our definition. we are not defined by the things around us, but by a God who made us. who told us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. who made us in HIS image. who has counted every tear that we have cried, every hair that has somehow fallen out of our head. who has told us to just be patient and wait for Him. so many times we walk around thinking that oh if i only had the designer jeans, that highlighted hair, if only and the list could go on. however, we were not made for this world.
this lesson i have struggled with for the longest time. everyone wants to know and has the feeling that they belong somewhere. that someone loves them for the real them and not for who they are pretending to be. the whole time God is screaming to them His love. trying to tell them to press into Him and rely on Him alone. everything that they are desperately searching for is Him. that guy/girl will come when it is the right time for both of you. that perfect job is coming, just seek Him. when we are willing to lay it all down and let it go is when God has the opportunity to move and give us the things that we would least suspect that are the best fit for us.
are we going to keep allowing the things of this world to define us? the labels on our clothes? the car that we drive? or are we going to allow the God of the universe to tell us who we are in Him? are we going to keep allowing that guy or girl on our arm to define us, or the God who create the ultimate version of love? life is like a game of scrabble. God has given us all the letters, and even given us the word to spell out, but what are we going to spell out with the letters that He has given us?

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'the LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for him.' Lamentations 3.22-24

do you see what i see.

i hadn't realized how long it has been since i was last on here. although i should be tired and trying to head to bed right about now, i am wide awake. last night i was watching a meteor shower with my friend and all i could think about in that moment as i was lying looking up to the stars was just about the beauty of the creation around me. to think that a God who created every bone in my body, every detail on my face, every crack in each leaf as it dried, created something that seems so insignificant at times for my pleasure. funny how that all works out. we were watching the shower until about 4am and the whole time i was just mesmerized by it.
i was mesmerized yet again though by the love of my creator. little old me. i don't think that there will ever be a time that i will fully understand why He chose me. at times i feel like Jeremiah did when he said Lord i don't know what to say for i am only a child, or Daniel who was trembling before the pit of lions or David and the giant and called out for God to truly use him and to give him the boldness and courage that he so desperately needed and sought after. here i am in this moment though crying out for God to once again whisper into my ear and tell me everything is going to be ok, that it is all going to work out the exact way that He plans. yet as i am sitting here trying at least to find some kind of warmth, i can't help but question. and be confused in so many ways about things that are going on in my life.
life is hard and i know that it is not always going to be sunshine and butterflies, but i was promised that in these moments of desperation and calling out for God to speak to me, that there is a God who loves me. who said and promised that He was going to hold my hand during this moments, that He was going to wrap me in His arms of peace and rest and to cast out all confusion. i refuse to be like that man who built his house upon the sand, so when the rains came and flooded his house was swept away. but i am going to like the man who built his house upon the rock, so when the rains came he was safe.
i don't know exactly what life throws at each of us for it is all different situations and circumstances. but one thing to be sure of is that although we may not know what is going on, we must trust that He does. that's faith. stepping out into the unknown because He told you to. so here am i God. here is all of me. because if you can't have all of me, then don't have any of me...let everything i do be all for you!

panama

today i had an interview about my plans for next summer in regards to my internship. i was asked what i was planning on doing and all i could think about was those 10 days this summer when i was back in a country that i love and yearn for so much right now. all i could see was all the faces of the little children that we ministered to this summer. the faces of those in Boquette as we passed by them in the streets. the feel of the floor in the church on that friday night as we ministered and i encountered God in such a new way. as i truly found my fire and passion again...

as i was sitting in that office talking about my plans all i could think in those moments was: "God is this how you feel and yearn for your people?" if i feel like this for a country where i spent only 20 days in my whole life, how is it that God feels like this every single day as He yearns for His children to come home and back to Him? when we sing the song by Hillsong and it says: "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours..." i don't think i've actually thought God would actually break my heart like that...until today. no matter what i do i can't shake this feeling of having to be there. there isn't enough to do or fill my day with that will take this painful, yet joyous thing from my heart.

there isn't enough homework that i can have that will stop me from thinking about panama, or its people, children, problems...there isn't enough time that i could waste on Facebook that would take my mind off of panama because without fail i look at all the pictures that were taken on those trips and yearn so desperately to be back there. i hate to say this too, but there isn't enough time that i could spend with my friends that would make me stop and forget about panama even for a second. there isn't enough music in my iTunes that would take my mind off of it, in fact without fail the cd that i got from panama ends up playing and it takes me back to that Sunday morning, and then to that afternoon spending time at the Teen Challenge...

how much time is going to have to pass before i can step back onto that ground, to see those precious faces of the children who are living without a father, or parents at all...how much time am i going to have to dwell on the idea and daydream about being back there? Lord grant my heart peace and contentness until i am back in that country. continue to remind me of those who are here that need your healing touch, your grace bestowed upon them, and for those who are ready to give up on everything including life. touch them, give them the strength and courage to face another day. grant them that peace that they so desperately need and are searching for. also touch panama that their hearts would be so open and willing to receive you, to hear all that you have for them, and the love that you are so willing to pour unto them. give me the spirit of patience again to wait for that time when i can go back and see your mighty hand at work....

to do lists.

college has officially started again, and here i am sitting at my kitchen table at home combining all my syllabuses (yes this is how you spell it, i looked it up) into all 3 of my calendars while singing along to andy grammer. usually i would be sitting in the library doing all of these, minus the singing, but due to the fact of having my wisdom teeth out a week ago, i had to come home for a check up to make sure i don't have any infections and everything is healing properly. as i was sitting here though i couldn't help but think of the day that i just had. it wasn't a bad day at all, it was actually a good day, where i just got to hang out with a bunch of my friends through out my day, and it was filled with God moments. last night i had a weird dream, that i wouldn't bore anyone with and which could have started off my day with me being so inquisitive, but as i was doing my hair this morning i couldn't help but ask God what it all meant. here is where it gets interesting.
about 3 years ago i had finished my senior year of high school and was visiting my grandparents up in New Hampshire. as i was sitting on the beach one day i just got a weird cold chill for it being the middle of summer and a super hot day. this sent me on a whirlwind of thoughts about new england. most people who aren't raised in the north consider northerns cold, hard, and not very open. as i was sitting there on the beach reading God just stopped me in my tracks, little did i know what i was getting myself into. in those next few moments God shared some precious things that He had in store for me. He told me that new england is often times stuck in the old religious traditions and that they needed something fresh and new. that one day i would be planting a church in new england.
well the past three years have come and gone and i haven't thought of that day since until today. i numbed part of me because i was scared and also because i had put so many to do lists in front of it. i got so distracted which happens to everyone. as much as it stinks to think that i had allowed things to come in the way of my relationship with God. it also reminded me that no matter how forgotten something may seem, that it is never forgotten to God. He never forgets something that He has created and even given us the opportunity to have our hands in. there have been times were all of us at some point feel like we are forgotten not only to the people around us, but we sometimes feel like God has forgotten us. but it is utterly impossible for Him to ever forget us. He has promised us over and over again that he will never leave us nor forsake us, that we are held in the palm of His hand, and we are not forgotten. there are no to do lists that stand between us and Him. We are not alone for we are safe in His arms because the hands that hold the world are holding our hearts.
although we don't always know what tomorrow will bring or be like we can always know that God has some plan in store. it could be that He is trying to grasp our attention, or maybe it is to show us that He is the one holding us in the middle of the night as we are crying out for help and for saving. each of us has a purpose and a plan that only He can answer and bring to fruition. it is in these moments when all we need to do is cry out to Him. to totally and utterly trust and put all of our hope in Him. it is never easy and as we walk through those moments of feeling alone and forgotten, but He is whispering to us saying: "here i am. trust me for i know what i am doing. i am the only one! just hang on for you my child were made for this!" like a mother and her baby we are not forgotten.

end of summer.

this summer has been filled with so many precious memories that i will live with for the rest of my life. i started my internship the day after mother's day and basically hit the ground running. what i thought was going to be another two weeks that the administrative assistant would be in Japan, soon turned into her moving there permanently. for the first month i had to play the part of the intern and the admin assistant. it was a very crazy time for frequency and fusion as i tried to pick up the pieces of someone else's life. as time went on life became somewhat easier. i got into the groove of everything and of life back home. 

shortly after may i geared up for my 3rd missions trip, and my 2nd time back to Panama. i went down with feelings of nervousness and not really sure of myself. it my first time as a leader on a missions trip and i honestly didn't know what to expect. everyday though was truly amazing. everyday was a God moment and i never wanted it to end. on the second to last day i was talking to the director of YWAM and asked him what it would be like and if it was possible to do an internship the following summer. he said it was very possible and every day would be like it was on my missions trip. i just had to get approval from my college so that i would receive credit for it. i meet some great people, 1 adorable baby who has captured my heart, and reconnected with a great friend who poured into my life yet again.

3 days after returning from Panama i headed off to camp with 11 students. each of those students poured into my life and challenged my walk on an everyday basis without even knowing it. it was an absolutely amazing week where healings happened, lives were changed forever, and people were refreshed. that week blessed my life and really confirmed that youth was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life, but its always when you take a huge step out in faith that's when the enemy wants to push you back 3 more. 

i got back into the office on the 5th of july the 1st time in about 20 some days. i had to try to get back into the routine again, which had changed since i had left. the new admin assistant had started working the day that i left for Panama, my youth pastor had left for Peru the day i came home from camp and the other intern was sick that day. i didn't know where to even begin. July slowly went by and i hadn't seen my youth pastor until the last week of July due to him going to Peru for 12 days (which felt like 50) and then going on vacation with his family. 

August came very fast. we were gearing up for an outreach called the Big Serve. planning what the 3 days of that would be like, and getting ready to take 7 students to new jersey 2 days after that was over. the Big Serve went off with a bang and the students were looking forward to the homeless sleep-out which was the last night where the students slept outside like they would be homeless. i went home friday morning so exhausted and ready for my bed, which would only see me for about an hour or two. sunday night i headed back up to the church with my bag packed ready for a nice start to my week, and a time to recoup and settle my brain. 

New Jersey was simply an awesome time, minus the stench that flooded into every pore of our bodies. we headed to Six Flags for a fun day, which we didn't know if that was going to happen. it had rained that morning and we were praying that it would turn into a great day. we got there and were paying for parking talking to the ticket holder who told us that the good rides where probably not going to be open at all that day. we got parked and headed into the park. we literally walked onto every single roller coaster and all the rides were open. it was a blast! the next day we headed to Ocean City, NJ and soaked up the sun. we made sand castles, turned the only boy other than our youth pastor into a mermaid, and wrote in the sand. we headed back home that night and part of me was left there with the 7 students on that beach. it was like i knew the time was dwindling away.

wednesday i walked into the office for the very last time trying my hardest to be strong. i kept telling myself that it was ok, that i would be back. i wasn't leaving forever. every wednesday we have praise and celebration where all the staff comes together and we talk about all the great and amazing things that God is doing in the church. the staff prayed over myself and the other intern. i just broke in that moment. from that moment on there was no stopping the water works that poured out of my eyes. that night was service and yet again there i was trying to be strong. at the end my youth pastor had all the students who were going off to college for the first time, and those who were going back to come up to pray over us. as about 5 girls came to pray over me all i could think was: "i could have done so much more. i missed something." its funny how in those moments God reaches down and just soothes every thing out and gives your heart peace again. i couldn't have done anything else, nor would i have done anything different this summer. i learned things about myself that i have never known, i fell in love with my Creator even more this summer, and i established relationships and friendships with students that will last a life time. thank you for all those who have made an impact on my life this summer, who poured into me, who have loved me and to those who more importantly prayed me through many storms. you will never know the whole impact that you have made on my life. 

the. BattleRoom.

i know it has been a while, but i honestly was trying to think of what to say. there is so much to write about but actually putting it into words...well that's the tricky part. where to start? well i headed to panama for the second time and to just say in the simplest of forms...it was AMAZING!! it still amazes me all that i learned on this trip, but also all that God reminded me of. you see, i'm very much the kind of person where i feel that i have to know everything that is happening in my life. i create to-do lists every single day without fail. i map out what my week is going to look like, even my month. for me it's so that i don't double book something or someone, and i can make time for other things. but when it comes to my relationship with God...there is just no easy way to do it.

most things in foreign countries are extremely slow. nothing really starts on time or ends on time. for a task oriented person this can become a problem very quickly. it was in these moments though, when God just spoke to me about refreshing. this word has been on my heart for a good 2 years now. i never really understood it until this trip. refreshing literally means having the power to restore freshness, vitality, energy, etc. this was my first trip as a leader, and i was very much nervous. a lot of the kids i had grown up with or was friends with their older siblings, and i just didn't know how it would look as not only being a leader for the first time, but also an intern.

with all that in mind, there was this room that we all met in every night to go over things that had happened in our day, and things for the next day to come. to say the least i have never seen a room like that. the first day we walked in, i know for me, i questioned what was i doing? was i out of my mind? the floor was red and looked extremely muddy in certain parts. and dead bugs littered corners and under windows. the walls were an off white from the years of fading and having no paint jobs preformed. there were 2 pictures on the wall, one of a creepy looking Jesus and the other of a creepy looking man who we would later find out was the Catholic Pope. but it was in this room where i was reminded and refreshed. it was also the room where i heard God so clearly. my BattleRoom...

leaving that room every night was hard for me. this past year i have felt powerless. that everything in my little world didn't belong to me and it was being stripped right out from under me. my whole world was crashing and falling apart. i needed to make a change in my life so i did. but i still felt that something was missing. i wanted to feel that cool breeze when God walked pasted me, i wanted to feel his arms holding me when i was facing the hardest months of my life...i just wanted more. it was in this room that we deemed our BattleRoom where i found this clarity. God reminded me that i didn't have to know all the answers i just had to know the answer to the right question at the right time. that He was there for all of those hard moments. and he reminded me of all these things while i was holding the hand of a girl who was facing all those things on her very first missions trip.

i not only bonded with this girl, but she reminded me of the simplicity of God's love. you see i love this girl like she in some way belongs to me. i wanted to take all those things that she was feeling and throw them in the trash. God spoke to me in those moments and said: "you see you are my arms right now...you are the hands that are drying her tears with those tissues...you are my love to her. Carolyn i sent people in your life at the time that you needed them because they were my hands, my cool breeze, my arms, my love. i have told you i will never leave you nor will i forsake you, so why would you think otherwise." i was dumbfounded and in many ways, i still am. but all i know is that i got my refreshing wind. i fill full and complete for now. i know it doesn't last forever, but i am in awe and thanksgiving for the times where i do have these moments.

closer...

i am coming nearer to my trip to panama and to be totally honest i am freaking out. my emotions seem to be all over the place and i feel that there isn't one thing that i can do to keep them grounded other than to cry out for God. i feel pulled in a hundred different directions with vague points of entry and exit. i want to go running to the hills. thankfully though where we are going in panama is in the hills. for the most part i have felt very much in control of my body, and emotions, but today it just hit me out of left field of all the things that have to get done before i leave. that this trip is definitely not like the last time i went to panama, where all i had to worry about was myself. this time i have about 20 other people that i am accountable for.
not only that though i have responsibilities of my own that have to get done before leaving. tonight though i had the privilege to speak and encourage the first time kids that are going to panama. i came home and talked with my parents before getting ready for bed. i got on facebook to check what my friends were doing and had going on. then i got on biblegateway.com because a friend of mine had posted a scripture verse and i was just curious to see what the scripture verse of the day was. the verse  talked about God being my strength in the trouble times. he is the one that gives me tread to walk another step. he is the director of my stringed life. it is in these moments when God speaks and pours into my life and all i can do is just rejoice and thank Him.
it is in my moments of feeling overwhelmed and stressed that God just sends the people that i need most to speak into my life. as i am about 6 days from my trip i only ask for prayer. that you would seriously remember our team that is going. that God would have a huge impact on our lives forever. that callings would happen and be solidified, and become a reality for some. that God would show up and be so thick and tangible. that the lives of the people of panama would never be the same again. that God would just soften their hearts to hear what they so desperately need. that we would allow God to be our strength, tread, and director of our lives. here is the verse that i found.

the sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. for the director of music. on my stringed instruments. Habakkuk 3.19

11 days

this is will be my second time traveling back to the beautiful country of Panama. to say the least i am extremely excited and so ready to be immersed back into that culture. it has been about 3 years since i first went and there is not a day that goes by when i don't reminisce about that trip and the way God totally shook my life.  it was the time in my life when i was beginning to doubt my calling and everything that God really had for me. i had grown up in the church most of my life and it was the same thing to me each week. i would go into service. stand for worship. listen to the pastor preach. pray and then go home. i didn't know what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ. i had lost whatever respect i had for God that summer. although on the outside you would have never known. i put on the facade that i was ok. that i had this amazing relationship with God. and i won't lie there were times when God totally broke me, but i was so burnt out that i honestly didn't know what to stand on.
i went off to college and it was like a breath of fresh air. that year i got so close to God and was beginning to find out who i was. i finished up my freshman year knowing that i was going to be ok. i went home that summer and God just gave me a lot of growing experiences. i began to feel comfortable in my own skin for a time being. i went back to school that fall still trying to figure out what it meant to be a true follower of Christ. i began to be mentored and be able to fellowship with 8 other girls who were asking the very same questions as i was. i began to let some of the things in my past go because i knew that holding on to them was doing me no good. summer came again and i was faced with even more challenges that i would have to overcome. i went back to school last fall feeling something different in myself. it was like a chapter begin to wind itself down. but i was fighting to keep it open at least for a little while longer.
around christmas i knew it was time. i transferred to a school closer to home and felt like i was myself. like i could be myself. i met some great friends this past year and was shown that it was ok to be myself and open up. during all these experiences and challenges i knew that God had something truly amazing in store. i got a phone call from my youth pastor about interning this summer at my home youth group. i accepted after prayerful consideration it has blown my mind thus far. being an intern i have the privilege to go as a leader on a missions trip. although i was praying to go to peru i knew that Panama was exactly the place where God wanted and needed me. i guess what i am trying to say is that every situation, challenge, hurdle that we come into contact with is never without a rime or a reason. i feel like i have faced more than my share, but i know that there are hurting people in Panama that need me. i am looking forward to every second i get to spend with them. to just love on them. and show them that they don't have to give up. that there is a God who loves them, and wraps them in His arms of love.