tear soup.

i don't think there will ever be words to describe how I'm feeling exactly in this moment. there are days and moments when i'm reminded of the man my grandfather was. I'm reminded of the compassion and strength that he possessed. those are the happy moments. the happy memories. it feels like i'm untouchable, that nothing could ever bring me down from them. i feel like a weight lifted off my chest, that i can actually breath, that there isn't any pain in this world.
however i'm reminded of exactly how much the pain hurts and breaks you…it feels like a tidal wave of emotions and the tears never cease to stop streaming down my face. my eyes burn and ache from the pain of crying so much. it's days like this when i wish i could hide in my blankets and pillows and never come out again. i begin to question so many things and wonder why more than anything! in these moments i desperately search for a reason why.
i instantly feel guilty for questioning why. why God would take such a compassionate man, who loved his family beyond words, who was willing to give you the shirt off his back, who gave and gave and never asked why or for anything in return. why my grandfather who has loved me and made me feel like i was home. who told me how beautiful i was even if i bummed it that day. the man who was so tender hearted who told me to follow my dreams even in the face of opposition. why was my grandfather taken?! and even though i know these feelings are not ones he would ever want me to feel, to know that no matter what God's grace and arms of comfort would comfort me i still can't seem to shake them sometimes.
i just miss the hearty laugh he had when he found something so funny that he couldn't contain his laughter. i miss the little giggle he made when he knew something wasn't too funny, but felt bad because no one else would laugh. i miss just the small things like when he would shake the mustard bottle to get the little bit left out of the bottle. there isn't a whole lot that i don't miss about him. i know there isn't an exact time frame as to when the pain ends, when my heart doesn't feel like its breaking. i know it all takes time, but just wish it would just disappear!
i wish more people could have witnessed and encounter this man. i wish he could have been there sitting beside my grandmother one day when i walk down that aisle. i wish i could ask him so many questions about life, love, hope, and every topic under the sun. i feel selfish for wishing i had more time with this man! i wish there was more time, but you never feel like you ever have enough time with a person. so I'm going to make myself some tear soup and take my time learning the grieving process and hopefully ill wake up and the pain and brokenness won't seem so bad...

illuminate.

they say that right before a light bulb is about to blow it shines its brightest. although we don't notice or necessarily recognized it the statement stands true. this is sadly true when it comes to people as well. this statement is always what comes to mind right now when I'm trying to process and think beyond losing my grandfather. seeing him on saturday, the day before he passed, will forever be burned into my mind. i can still hear him laughing and telling stories of my dad and my brothers and i growing up. seeing his sweet spirit one last time. he illuminated and shined so bright and though i never realized it at the time, i will forever be grateful for that sweet memory that God allowed me to cherish.
my grandfather was the sweetest, most compassionate, Godly man i've ever met in probably my whole life. he taught me how to trick my grandmother into thinking he was sleeping and promptly scaring her when she went to "wake him." he taught me about having pride in my family, and who i was no matter what happened around me. the most important lesson that he will ever teach me was the love that you can have for someone who was not necessarily blood, but loving them as if they were you're very own. i know none of this may make sense to anyone, but finally being able to in some way verbalize all these emotions has helped with the closure of losing him.
many people don't know that i was adopted by my "step-dad" when i was in my teens. my dad however raised me and has been the only man I've ever known to be my dad. my dad surrounded us from day one with people that have shown us love and accepted us into a family that wasn't necessarily ours, but has become the backbone and the true meaning of family. i can remember being sick or feeling upset and looney and just being wrapped in my grandfathers arms. he never missed a grandpals day at school and the look of pride that was on his face when he walked in and sat with me overwhelms me now. i can honestly say he is a man that will forever be missed.
although i know he is in a much better place where he is no longer suffering it still doesn't erase the hole that was left in its wake. i know times heals all things, but honestly i wish i could just wake up from this awful nightmare and crawl into my grandfathers lap and feel his strong arms again. this past week i have seen so many similarities that he possessed in my own father. the pride that he has in his family, to the love that he displays to my mother and all of us children, to the warmth in just his presence near by. it pains and humbles me to see my father aching as he loses his mentor and father. it honestly puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate each and every day that i have with him and my mom.
again i apologize if none of this makes sense but honestly this is the first time i've actually grieved over losing someone. I've always had this fantasy that when someone passed it was because they were just going on vacation or moving away, they just weren't coming home anymore. however seeing my grandfather it has truly hit me, that he isn't going on vacation….grandpa i know you're up having a blast with your Creator, but i love you and miss you so much. do i have regrets yes absolutely, but i will always remember the words that you told me probably more than once: "never have regrets sweet one. live each moment to the fullest. make decisions that you feel are the best for YOU! and first and foremost seek God's plan for your life and let him be the one that leads you over and over again!" RIP Grandpa! you will forever be missed and in our hearts.

ew love.

in the spirit of valentines i figured i would talk about love for a brief moment. while the idea of being in love is fascinating not everyone is blessed to share that special day like the rest of the world. now please don't think I'm bitter when i say this, but honestly we hype this day up on steroids and its hard to accomplish anything when you have the pressures of what you should actually do on this day. for those couples out there congrats on having a valentines and i wish you all many more, but for all us singles this is a day we should celebrate also. i will say that this past week has been extremely hard for me to come to grips with, until about 20 minutes ago.
i've always hated that my birthday has fallen so close to valentines day, not that i hate my birthday, but that i have to share it around the same time as valentine's day. i can't really express why in writing because it's just not going to come out right, but ill do the best i can i suppose. each year you get slammed in the face by those people who are madly in love walking down the street holding hands and being all lovey dovey, that it honestly nauseates me now. however there are four couples that i have come to look up to in many ways and know that while I'm waiting to spend this day with my mister special that its worth it…the first one is my brother Chris and his girlfriend Kara. although they are young they bring a new level of respect for me in the love department. teenagers now a days (way for me to sound old hahaha) have way more pressures on them than i did when i was in high school. whether its pressure to do drugs or go to the biggest parties, these two kids have so much respect and love for each other that it blows me away. they are honestly taking their time getting to know each other and not letting these things sway them. they have overcome a lot in the close to 4 short months that they have been together and its amazing how they just truly love and care for each other.
the next one is my Aunt Sue and Uncle Chris. the ultimate high school sweet hearts. speaking of overcoming much adversity is these two. these two have fought tooth and nail for each other over the years and it has shown me that sometimes there is that person worth fighting for, that no matter what people around you are saying that you sometimes just need to beat your own drum because it rings out louder than the rest.
one of my favorite couples that i've looked up to for probably all of my life is my mom and dad. another couple who has overcome so much in their almost 20 years together. they both came in with baggage (aka us 3 older kids) and fought for everything that they have. they have loved each other through the hard times and when it was easy to throw in the towel they decided to fight through it. they have been one of the first to show me that sometimes baggage isn't always bad. i give them props. my parents would rather go without for years than to have us kids go without anything and never ask for anything for it. thanks mom and dad!
last but certainly not least are my Nona and Poppy. going on close to 60 years strong these two have been my definition of the perfect marriage. although i know some of the stories growing up weren't always the best these two never gave up on each other. more recently they have showed me that you never give up ever! over the past 5 years they have proved this countless times. just about 5 years ago my Nona was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was given about 5 years to live fully. my Poppy never stopped fighting though. he has taken her to get vitamin b12 shots, been by her side when she was really losing it and honestly has been her rock to bring her back to the somewhat normal everyday routines of her life. just about 3 months ago the roles were reversed and she became his rock and foundation. they are each other lives and reasons to get up and live everyday. they are the fairy tale marriage that i want one day, although its not with prince charming and a beautiful princess their story will ring out loud through all of history even if its my own.
why am i sharing this? because i do believe in love, even on days and weeks when its hard. i believe that one day each one of these relationships is possible to accomplish. i believe that there is such things as fairy tale love although defined differently than what snow white, or cinderella may define it as. and as i wait patiently for my "prince charming" i know that it is worth fighting for and that he is out there. each of these couples teach me everyday the true meaning of love and that no matter what life may throw at you to never give up on that person!! so happy valentines day ladies and gents and for all you singles out there, there is hope and you have to first love yourself before you can honestly allow someone else to love you, because if you don't than how do you expect someone else to love you for you….

chose your worth.

there has been what seems like a lot of life lessons that i have come to recently learn probably in ways that could have been learned a littler easier, but i have pushed them off and allowed them to snowball until now. the past almost 4 months of my life have seemed like a year instead of the short time that it actually has been. there has been things that i have had to come to grips with that i honestly thought i never would have to, and other things that i have allowed to distract me from what i really want. however in the end it has been things that i can either chose to define me or i learn from. i am giving a fair warning now this is about to get raw…
at the end of october we as a family had a very hard situation present its nasty head. one of the most influential men in my life who i have looked up to since i was little, had to overcome probably one of the hardest things he will ever have to face. my poppy (also known as a grandfather) underwent open heart surgery. by the grace of God everything went well and he has a little up hill journey because of it. here is where i learned life lesson number one. although i have know this lesson for years i had to come to grips with it really fast. people and life are not immortal. not to sound like a debbie downer but the human body was not made to with stand being immortal. as much as i love to think as my poppy as superman, and he is in his own right, there will be a sad day when i will have to kiss him goodbye and see him on the other side.
for years i have been in denial of death. it honestly is because i haven't had too much death in my life and i don't know how to deal with it. i honestly think and have believed for years that when a person dies they are just going on vacation or moving and I'm just not going to see them again. its when its months or year(s) later when something reminds me of them that i deal with the waves of emotion that crash so violently on my shore. however that was not the case for my poppy. we had to prepare for the possibility that anything could happen. it was also here that i learned life lesson number two. in times like these the best person/people you could possibly lean on is your family. as much as everyone says that they will be there for you through those times they aren't. now i'm not saying that as a bad thing, but lets be honest everyone has their own life and things that are going on and can't be there 24/7. however the other people i.e. your family, that are going through this journey with you that are battling these emotions will become your biggest support.
life lesson number three comes from a different point however. towards the end of this time when my mom was coming home from my grandparents i allowed what seems like situation after situation to distract me. whether it was some stupid boy or "friends," i started to allow these things to define me. it wasn't until recently that my eyes were open to these things and i learned life lesson number three. only you can decide what defines you, only you can chose your worth. you are the keeper of yourself and you answer for the consequences of your actions, so whether you allow material things or boys, or other things that come up in life, you are the only one that has the final verdict and say to allow those things to start defining who you are. whether you allow what that person beside you that is saying that nasty crap about you, it doesn't matter if its true or not, you are the only that has to decide what your worth is. if you are going to put up with it or just walk away because you know it isn't worth the time of day.
i guess wrapping this all up, we all learn lessons like these at some point in our lives. as hard as they are to learn i encourage you to in a way embrace them. learn from them. decide what you are going to let define you. chose who you want to be and don't stop until you have reached it. chose your worth. and more than anything once you have made your decision hold your head up and be confident in those decisions.

reflections.

tonight/this morning as i couldn't fall asleep i got my sketch book and flipped to the last page that i was working on. it was the rough beginnings of a face that i started weeks ago, but couldn't finish. i couldn't relate to it. i felt like i was doing all the talking deciding facial features for it, deciding the pain it felt, and i quickly became frustrated and put it away. as i had my headphones in sara bareilles gravity song came on. i've always had this weird connection with music and as i listened to the song i started to hear my sketch come to life.

i started flipping through my profile pictures on Facebook knowing exactly what or more like who i was sketching. as i was flipping through looking at the different features i came across the one. it was a picture i took almost a year ago of my mom and i. the picture showed a girl who was confident in herself. a girl who wasn't wrapped up in stupid petty stuff. someone who was secure about herself and didn't let the little things get to her. there was a light in her eyes. as i looked at my reflection in that picture the chorus of sara's song hit me.

she writes: "set me free, leave me be. i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. here i am and i stand so tall, i'm just the way I'm suppose to be. you're onto me and all over me." recently i've felt out of tune with the rest of myself. i've let some stupid stuff get in my face and become an issue instead of pushing it away like the pest that it is. i think it was at this point that i really saw my sketch for who she was….it was in that moment when i saw the strong independent woman again. the happy girl who my mom said in a comment has a sweet spirit. it was here that i cracked.

i have felt like this piece of sketch. i've felt the eraser marks over and over again. while i try so hard to reach that level of pure perfection i know i've failed. i think I've truly grasp why we call it a rough sketch and why for so many of us thats what our lives feel like. its because we are rough, we haven't hit perfection and won't ever truly. but its in these moments of imperfection that we truly see who we are. we see that reflection and it brings us back to our gravity, our center. i'm reminded of why i have stand strong tattooed on my ribs. it is one of the most sensitive spots on the human body to get tattooed and its a daily reminder that i am strong! i can thank the amazing family and friends who love me through the hard times and for me just being me! i have confidence because i have a support system that backs me 100%. they are my rock and strength through the storms.

nomad wandering.

i don't really know how to put this. it is kind of like how i've been feeling these past several months. is it really possible to have a mid-life crisis and only be 23? i honestly don't know who i am anymore, what i like or dislike, or even what i'm doing. it honestly feels like going through the motions of my own life. i feel frozen in time as i'm watching my life pass and having that numb feeling to it. i can't honestly pin point when it happened, but it was like one day i woke up and BAM here it was! i think i've tried everything under the sun to shake myself out of it. it's like an itch that just wont quit! 

i don't feel like me anymore. i've let a lot of things just envelop my life, some things i thought were good and right, but only to seem to have blown up in my face! i don't know why or how it happened, it just did. i let my wall down for that brief second and it's like the troops storming the beach of Normandy. i've watched sappy romantic movies hoping that that would bring about some kind of emotional response, or even action and thriller, but alas nothing. where have i gone?

how do you return to the land or normalcy? how do you snap yourself out of it? i wish it was like in inception when they just dunked the person in water and it woke them up from their dreams. and an even better question will i feel this again at some point in my life? will i feel like i can't breath, like i can't even walk down my street without feeling some strange sense that i have to look over my shoulder, like my life is falling apart in my hands and there's honestly nothing i can do to stop it? it's like i'm afraid of my own shadow for some strange reason. 

when did i become this person? and when will i wake up from this emotional nightmare? i feel a sense of compliancy which i don't think i've felt in such a long time. maybe it is time for a new move, for something else...is this a mid-life crisis or just me? how do you move on when everything you once thought you knew was still tied to that one thing...when even turning on the radio reminded you of it? how do you return to that place or normalcy again? 

growth.

it has honestly been awhile and while i would love to blame a million things i can only blame myself. i can't tell you how many times i've sat down to even journal and i've just stared at the page. i'm at a loss for words. there has been a lot of things going on around me, and within me and i've tried to juggle them all and put the pieces together, but no matter what the equation i can't figure out what the ultimate picture is suppose to look like...i feel that in some way i don't even know who i am anymore. i guess though that is kind of what life is. the continuous growth and changing. i have to look at it like a scientist would look at a chemical reaction. if he adds too much of one chemical or gas it is not going to give him the reaction that he is ultimately looking for.
we add and subtract things out of our lives daily without really thinking of the ramifications or the consequences of those decisions and actions. i think i've been doing a lot of subtracting without adding some of the fundamentals that i need so i can get the reaction that i want. instead i am left re-examing my life countless times within the last couple of months to determine if i am making the right decisions, if i'm letting the right people go or welcoming the right ones into my life. i am at a stage in my life where there isn't a whole lot that is making sense, i know where i want to be and what i want to be doing its just the journey of how to actually get there that is yet again the biggest issue. they say that once you get over one hurdle there is yet another one just yards away waiting to be conquered in order to complete the race.
i find it funny how we dream of how our lives are going to go and the direction of how its going to lead, but when rubber meets the road and you're faced with all the hard decisions that in your head you've panned out exactly how you're going to react you melt like a hot crayon on the sidewalk in the middle of summer. you don't react the way you wanted and instead of taking those 5 steps forward you've just taken 10 steps back. i've gotten distracted in the process become numb to things around me. i haven't reacted to things the way i should have, or the way i've been taught. and instead of feeling some kind of completeness it's like i've drilled a hole even bigger.
this past weekend we started the easter production at my church and as i walk around that building i've been hit by numerous and countless memories. for example: walking across that stage the sunday before i graduated high school to meet my youth pastor who told me that no matter what he was proud of me and the woman i was turning into. how about the summer i than interned for him and spent countless hours sitting in the youth center pouring into the students around me telling them that they were precious and no matter what was going on i was going to love them and be there for them, cheering them on every step of the way. another one would be that summer when i feel in love with a country that wasn't my own. or the countless hours i put in learning from numerous people around allowing myself to be shaped and molded.
i didn't do any of those things because i want a big plague or to be honored, but i did it because i was passionate about something! i put in all those hours because it was what i LOVED to do! what i still LOVE DOING!! i would trade in my full time job to sit with students all day making only a fraction of what i make now because i look into their eyes and i see the potential, the love that they are desperate for, the joy of life all around them. they to me are worth it. they are worth waking up for everyday to be able to tell them how proud i am of them, of how much i love them, how i will always be there no matter where life leads, and when the world turns their backs against them i'll be there to support their biggest dreams!
God has seriously blessed me with some of the most amazing opportunities and i guess the question now is what am i going to do with those blessings? it's like a game of scrabble carolyn. i've given you all the tiles and the word to even spell out, but what will you spell out with tiles that i've given you...?

dreams.

as children we all have dreams of the kind of person we want to be when we grow up. many choose occupations like being a firefighter, police officer, lawyers, doctors, famous athletics, and the list can go on and on. for me i wanted to be a lawyer so badly. i watched shows like law and order trying to mimic the characters hoping that one day i could grow up and fight for something or someone, that i could bring justice into the world. i idled people like my uncle jim without really knowing why other than the fact that he was a lawyer and in my mind was a huge successful man (which he is). but somewhere along the way i either grew out of my dream or i felt like something better came along. now being almost 23 i honestly don't know what my dream is anymore.

dreams have always fascinated me, whether daydreaming or dreaming at night. i have no clue why. i think the biggest explanation is probably dreaming allowed me to escape into another "world." a world that didn't have hurts or pains, that i could always be that little girl with no cares to the world around me. recently dreams have been what has consumed my every sleeping moment. which has lead me into actually seeing if this was normal, or if there was something wrong with me that i could fix.

see what i didn't realize is that in order to survive your brain needs to dream. it is what helps the brain digest everything that is going on in our everyday lives, it helps to process the joys, and the overwhelming times in life. without dreaming our brains would literally turn into mush. just like the heart the brain has to stay active for our survival. and while most people "don't remember" their dreams everyone dreams every single night. what most people don't also know is that when they say that they don't dream it is from either repression, stress, or ignoring the dream that gives us those feelings.

what i'm trying to get at i guess is that dreams are essential to our lives. it's how we allow ourselves to move forward. so challenge question: what are your dreams? is it that new house, car, job, future, or is it that dream that seems impossible to everyone around you? what most people don't know is that those wealthy billionaires, or those people that we look up to so much, started their companies on dreams.  happy dreaming...

battles.

i hate that feeling when you're so exhausted and lay in bed for hours, and yet sleep never comes. i don't know what is wrong with me, but right about now all i want to do is cry. there has been a lot going on lately and i just feel that if i keep running or just keep moving then i can keep up with life, that in some way i'll be able to handle everything that is going on. unfortunately its not working out too well. tonight i was off from work and i was able to sit and talk with my mom which i haven't been able to do with my crazy life schedule. in many ways i was able to refocus and almost breathe some. i was able to bake and relax, kick my feet up, but not without having the million and one things that need to get done running through my brain the whole time. 

life recently has definitely felt like a battlefield, and once i've been through one and thought i'd won the war and i am quickly mistaken only to find that it was just merely the beginning of something else. i just haven't felt like me, that something is missing from me. that i'm not completely whole and right about now i'm not sure what i need to do to get back there. i feel drained and run down. like a warrior who has come home from war only to find that the war has reached my village and everything that i had once know and found beauty is gone. i felt so confident about decisions that i had made that i honestly lost sight of the process of how to get there. 

instead of dreams and hopes, fears and regrets have quickly replaced them. i feel dry. like i have just walked through the desert in search of an oasis only to find out that it is a mirage, and distant dream. i don't feel positive, just hurt and like a used napkin. i've been blessed with an amazing family who is always there for me to pick me back up and dust me off and many times put me back together, but right now i'm feeling that there is more to this equation that is missing. i'm broken in many aspects of my life and instead of being that encouragement to others, i feel like a burden. 

i guess the question is how do i fix this? how do i turn this around like so many heroes throughout history? how do i rise above this like mark anthony, or george washington? how do i face these battles and show no mercy in the face of my enemy like joan of arc, or esther? how do i get my strength back like sampson after his hair was cut about to pull the temple pillars down? how do i breathe again without every muscle in my body aching....? i rejoice in the precious knowledge that i am found by Him. that i have a plan and purpose on my life and no matter what is thrown i will rise above this! 

transitions.

there are always funny feelings that people get when they are faced with transitions. i honestly think that it is from not really having a guide, or a set of rules on how to deal with such things. excitement and peace seems to course through my veins every time that i've made a decision, but not without the same amount of anxiousness and nervousness. i get anxious because i'm ready for this new change, and chapter in my life, but i'm nervous on how people are going to react. i guess these feelings are normal and natural, but with the support of some amazing family and friends these decisions and transitions seem not to matter. i think that every decision and transition that i've ever made has been one that maybe during the first week was overwhelming, but getting used to a new schedule soothes and calms all these feelings.
it has definitely been a year of transition and i know it is not over. this summer i've had the opportunity to work with my district youth director. that means finishing the last minute planning for the two weeks of youth camp, getting those preparations ready, heading to camp, working with the youth alive missionary, and now the planning for the back to school event. while trying to transition back to home, trying to find a job, trying to transition into my internship and now transitioning into my job; its definitely been a year of learning to let go and be flexible. transition is all about being flexible, and how you are going to face those little details that are going to be thrown at you. the literal definition is: the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. 
transition and changing is what develops us into the people we are going to be. transition teaches us to let go and trust that everything is going to be okay. it teaches us about the trust we are supposed to have in God each and every day. transition although scary at times, is necessary in a healthy growth. yet again i am learning about such transitions. that excitement and peace is pulsing through me, but not without some heartfelt sadness. i will not be scared as i step out on the water because i've locked my eyes on the one who called me out. i know that as i transition that the words that worth dying for sings in risen from the grave is what my heart is feeling. they simply say: 

And I'll dance with You 'till my knees go weak
And I'll sing 'till I can't sing anymore
And I'll lift my hands 'till they fall asleep
Just to show You, Lord, You're the one I adore

Wonderful
My Healer
Giver of grace
Cuz You have risen from the grave
Faith's my sight
You're my might
Impossible is slain
Cuz You have risen from the grave

transitions...Life, it seems, is nothing if not a series of initiations, transitions and incorporations--Alan Dundes

writers block.

i hate it when i'm asked: "oh what were you just thinking about?" not because i don't want to share what i was just thinking about, but because i have no clue what i was just thinking about. later on it is in those moments when i am desperately searching my brain for what i was thinking about, that i am reminded of my dreams that God has placed on my heart. every second that i can daydream i do. i was reminded of the importance of dreaming yesterday. my pastor's wife preached for mother's day about dreaming. you see everyone has a calling or a dream, things that they want to see happen in their lives, but sometimes we have these little things called writers blocks, which can sometimes prohibit any kind of dreaming to occur.
recently i've been challenged to think about my calling, my dream. there are so many things that i wish i could share with the world on how i would love to turn the world upside down on its axis, but it is also these dreams that hold me back from doing so. i am reminded of the simple words my parents told me about being careful who you tell your dreams to, because not everyone is going to believe and want to see you achieve. there are going to be nay-sayers who are going to continuously put you down and try to kill your dreams, and when we start believing these people we start the process of writers block. we start allowing people to control our dreaming patterns and allow them to creep into those precious moments when we developed those dreams and kill them from the inside out.
recently i have been feeling like my creative juices where running on completely empty, like i had nothing left to even restart my system. i hit the writers block. i felt drained, like my life was somewhat sucked out of me. that even taking the slightest breath was going to break me. it was in these moments, however, when i truly allowed the author of my life to breath in me, and write a little more of this chapter. it was also in these moments when God sent some influential people into my life to just encourage me without even realizing it. now i'm not saying it was an overnight fix, because that would be a lie, but i am telling you that i started the process of breaking this awful writers block.
it was in this moment when i was trying to reignite my flame, my passion, my dream that a kari jobe song came on and sang to this tender part of my soul. her lyrics to we are say: so wake up sleeper, lift you head, we were meant for more than this, fight the shadows, conquer death make the most of the time we have left. my dream is waking up again and i know that it is a delicate process to fully reach my potential, but i'm not giving up. i'm not backing down until i see it fulfilled in all of its capacity. what so many people don't realize is that dreams make us human, they remind us that there is a God who before the foundations of time predestined us and already marked out the steps before us. they remind us that we are to keep going. so i ask you...what are your dreams? what have you stopped fighting for? what have you settled for? was it that relationship, was it that affirmation? now was it worth is? whatever your dream is, it is not too big, or small for you. it was made exactly the way it was for you because God knew that you would fight for it, conquer all the challenges and obstacles that came with it, and that you would see it through all the way until the end and then some. so don't give up, keep going. more than anything keep dreaming!

junior year.

wow! let's just say it's been awhile and since march & so much has changed. i don't know where to begin. it feels like yesterday i was walking back onto campus for the fall semester not knowing what to expect. it was then on my first day back that i honestly met my best friend. not knowing how she would be pouring into my life over the next few months. 12 of us sat in sga training not talking just looking around  the room awkwardly waiting for the year to start. fast forward to start teams, where i met so many of the new students & where new friendships were birthed. as the days progressed i remember writing on my calendar in the to do list section: "make new friends," & this year i did. the first days of school started & as october hit i dreaded going to class or even being at school. i wanted to be home, where there was comfort & life away from being stretched. little did i know the things that God had in store for me.
i would love to say that this year was an easy year all around, but that would be a lie. i can remember sitting in my room crying out for God to move in me, to show me yet again why he called me into ministry or better yet, why he loved me. it wasn't until december that i started getting the answers to these questions. i started to read the book Captivating & my world was turned upside down. i felt like every story, every topic in that book was written for me & about me. it helped me understand who i was & why i believed so much in people & in humanity as a whole. as fall semester wrapped up i was faced with yet again more opposition & hardships that i never saw coming. i felt so low & i was desperately seeking & reaching for a hand up. i was literally at my lowest i had been in years.
i had put so much pressure & stress on myself that i was finally starting to feel it & little by little i broke. as i sat in the prayer room all i could do was cry & again ask why? it was here that i vented and got everything out, & God just listened, but it was also here where he answered me completely. i was called to ministry because i believe in people, i believe that everyone could be saved & reached. that every youth student had the opportunity to be believed in & loved. that every person whether in the states or across the seas, they weren't too hard to love. that i had a plan and a calling on my life that i wasn't going to understand at times, but it was in these times that i needed to step aside & truly allow God to use me completely. he yearned for me. he was breaking my heart for those around me, but i had to understand that the things i was going through were for that girl or boy who was stressed & had no other outlet or option other than crying out to God. for that single mom who didn't know how she was going to provide for her children, that there was hope & a light at the end of the tunnel.
this year i was blessed to have several people who were influential & poured into my life time & time again. i had people who believed in me & prayed me through. & tonight was one of those nights where i truly felt the prayers of family & friends praying me through. i sat in my room waiting to check out & all i could do was cry as i saw so many of my friends from cbc graduate & walk across that stage getting their diplomas. i pitied myself & questioned why i was at vfcc. yet again it was God who answered & told me that there were things that i was never going to learn if i had stayed at cbc. there were times when i needed to be pushed completely out of my comfort zone & be challenged. i wasn't going to get it there. i had become comfortable & in turn lazy. i needed these people in my life to pour into me. i needed times like after easter when God broke me yet again for the heart of the youth & reminded me of his love. i needed times like this when i wasn't afraid to ask him questions. we each have our time when God is going to use us & not always do we understand these moments, but we look back on them and realize what God was doing. for me it was tonight when i got a little glimpse of what God had done in my life this past year & how he blessed me & directed me every step of the way thus far. thank you to all who poured into my life this year & challenged me to greater things that God has in store.

importance.

wow i didn't realize how long it had been since i last blogged. to say the very least life has been well....interesting! there doesn't ever seem to be enough hours in a day to accomplish everything that i have to get done and at the end of the day i'm left wondering where has my life gone to? it's like running on a treadmill and your foot slips and you are trying to re-do your stride and not being able to, and having to restart. in a way i guess i can see it as a blessing teaching me to slow down and enjoy these precious moments that are right in front of me, but when it happens unexpectedly it's hard to deal with. and now all i'm looking for is friday when i'm reunited with my family and friends for spring break. although i still have a lot to do as far as homework, getting things ready for our banquet that i'm in charge of, and making time for family and friends.
so how do you accomplish all that you need to get done in your day plus make time for God? right about now i so desperately wish i had that answer. i was talking to my mom early about some things going on in my life right now and i said to her: "you know i wish there was a manual full of directions on how to deal with this and other certain situations in life!" her simple answer was: "carolyn there is, its the bible!"and how true. i knew that answer but for some reason i have recently just blanked and it was like i was just hearing it for the first time. when i start making time for Him, then He'll open up time in my schedule for the things to get done, that i never saw! and when i stop spending so much time on social media outlets, i'll again find time slots for all of it!
i guess what i needed was a wake up call to re-examine and refocus on the things that are important to me. which is God, school, SGA, work, and family! so what is so important to you that you can't separate yourself from? and is it really that important? recently my school announced that we would be participating in a homeless fundraiser and i've always known that it was important to give of my time and money, but for some reason it really hit me this year. so i started a pledge to raise $500 and participate in the homeless sleep out. for me this is what is important because it is the whole reason why i decided to go into ministry and if i just turn my cheek then what is that really saying about me and my heart? now i'm not saying everyone should go out and join a cause like this, but look and see what is truly important that you would be willing to lay down your life, and time for. and make sure it is really important!

beautiful

beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses,esp. the sight; a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.


there are many words, places, things that we can classify as beauty or beautiful. often these things are sunsets on a mid summer night, or the sunrise against the mountains in the early mornings. we even sometimes use this word to describe an individual or a celebrity that we deem as beautiful. most of the time though we never actually use the word for ourselves. lets be honest. we may wake up every morning and have all the confidence in the world, but as soon as we walk down those stairs or into our everyday locations we are filled with insecurities and things that make us think differently. we allow comments like "well that's new" or "are you really going to wear that" to bring us down and be the foundation of those insecurities. we hide our true selves from the world and in doing so we hide our feelings and what we love the most from those most important to us. 


over Christmas break i read the book Captivating, which one of my friends highly suggested. in the weeks that i read it my world was totally rocked and i slowly started opening doors in my life that i thought i had closed forever. i was scared that if i allowed people around me to see the true me that they would think differently of me. but more than anything i was afraid that God would think differently of me and in some way love me less. but as i read on and on i was sent, all most everyday i was texted words of encouragement and affirmation that honestly kept me reading on. 


being a woman a lot of times is hard. you have to know when to be strong and fight for the things that you love the most and when to be fragile. you have to know when to be independent and when to rely on others for help. you have to know when to guard your heart and when to allow people in and who those individuals are. you have to figure out your feelings and be able to communicate them properly. and more than anything you have to humble yourself before God and lay it all down. now i'm not saying that men don't face these same things, but for a lot of women including myself becoming less independent is hard and will probably be forever hard including when to be less independent before God. the other huge battle is guarding my heart. people want you to be open with them and be real but just how to you do this?


beauty isn't defined by that person, place, or thing, but it is defined by the Creator and the master artist who designed every single part of you way before you were even thought of or planned. you were designed to share your feelings and be real with people that He orchestrated to be in your life at the time that they were. He designed every single freckle, every birth mark, every hair, every single part of you to show you the beauty and worth that He sees in you. He knows your strength and all your weaknesses. He sees it all and he longs for our hearts before we give them away aimlessly. 


my one friend grew up with the rule that she wasn't allowed to date before she was 16 and for the longest time i thought that was so crazy and mean of her parents. but the more i experience life the more i understand. i can see why her parents would make that rule and it was because they were trying to protect her and in their way guard her heart from aimlessly giving it away to a boy that would eventually break it. life was designed to be beautiful and to see God's beauty in every creation and place that we turned, but things happened and that was hidden. we have to seek it out and in seeking it out we find the beauty of God and the works of his hand. we find that we aren't defined as the "most beautiful girl in the school" but as the craftsmanship of a God who sees worth and beauty in us every single day. so look in the mirror and don't walk away until you believe that you are beautiful and have worth from the Creator of the universe. know that you are loved first and foremost!!! 

New.Year.New.Life.

I’ve been sitting in this same position for probably the last hour reading and debating a lot of recent things that have occurred in my life. Now I’m not saying that they are bad, some yes, but for the most part I’m so in love with life. I just wanted to reflect a little on this past year. In January I transferred to a new college where I truly and honestly thought that I was at home, where I could start afresh and in many ways hide from my past, but man was I so wrong! It is honestly true when someone tells you that you can’t run from your past forever, that it eventually catches up with you. Spring semester 2011 was that time for me in my life. Don’t get me wrong, for many situations in my life I have come face-to-face with them, but for others I just ran. I was hurt by dear friends, and in return I hurt others. I talked way too much and hurt way to often. I’m not talking about physical hurt, but emotional, spiritual, and mental.

As I was reading over a journal entry that I had written in March I was reminded of just how much I needed to know that I was loved. I was told by one of my mentors and a dear friend that life is like climbing a mountain. Once you get to the top of one you soon find out that it is only the bottom of another and you are quickly mistaking that brief pause in the climb. This is what I wrote about my life mountain climbing experience:

It’s not a mistake or a coincidence that I love to go hiking. I love to climb and the burning of my lungs as I keep climbing. The adrenaline pumping and coursing through my veins as I take another step up and forward in the climb. I know that if I keep going that the end result is going to be amazing and I’m going to feel so good about myself. I know that my body may hate me at first for putting it through that torture, but by the very end it’s going to say: “Thank you Carolyn!” I am like the body. I may not like You at the moment, but I know by the end of the hike I’m going to be saying: “Thank you God. Thank you for all the trials, for all the times where you pushed me to endure. For all the times you kept cheering me on. For everything!”

You see when we exercise or in my situation climb we are ripping and stretching our muscles. The reason why later on that day or the next day when our bodies hurt is because of that very reason and the fact that our muscles are trying to repair themselves and become stronger. Now that being said it is also that same way in our spiritual walks. We have to work to climb that mountain to show God that we are really that interested in Him and a relationship with Him. It is pursuing Him. Now our spiritual muscles are being ripped and stretched so they can repair themselves to be even stronger in the body.

Recently a friend of mine recommended that I read Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. To say the least it has taught me a lot of things about myself that I would have never known or even guessed. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had not healed wholly from my past and that in order to do so I needed to allow God to show me my beauty and that I was captivating to Him. I wasn’t some ugly girl that was to be locked away until use and old age accepted me. I was loved and adored by the God of the universe. The same one who paints every beautiful lily, rose, tulip, every flower, sun rise, and sun set differently. I was lovely. It has also taught me that I am delicate, that I don’t have to be independent! I can just be me without feeling judged or having self-doubt about myself. No matter what happens on that hike up the mountain that I have someone holding my rope to secure me telling me that it is alright, He isn’t letting go, to continue and finish the climb.

To wrap up quick, we are all on a hike, or climb. We are all trying to get to that highest peak, to finally call it quits, but we can’t! Our climb is never going to be over until we have reached that highest peak which is the day we enter into Heaven to rejoice and sit with our Creator. Now not always is the climb going to be easy, but we are always going to have someone to cheer us on, telling us to keep going because it is definitely worth it. Who knows what is in store for this New Year?! All I know is that I am going to smile through the pain, to show the world the beauty that God so gracefully and graciously adored on me! You don’t have to be strong all the time, because if you always are, when are you allowing God to be your strength? My friends may this year be like no other. May God just flourish in and around you and place His loving and beautiful creation everywhere you go to be mesmerized by Him! Happy New Year! Here is to a great year to come!!

definition.

as a child when i was reading or doing homework and came across a word i didn't know i would ask my mom or dad what the word meant. every time my dad always said: get the dictionary. now that was never the problem because surprisingly i love the dictionary. the problem was how ancient our dictionary was. see it had been passed down from my great grandfather on my dad's side and was huge, heavy, and smelled weird. needless to say i would flip through the first couple of pages and then close it and keep reading. without fail my dad would always ask: so what does the word mean? feeling guilty i would open the dictionary back up and have to find it and tell him. interesting he said. and would carry on his day. another thing that would frustrate me was in the back of said dictionary was a list of names and meanings of those names. like always mine was never to be found.
the real question is though was i really looking for the definition of my name? or was i looking for a definition of who i am? you see so many times we walk around thinking that we are defined by the things around us. the label on our clothes, the price tag on the car that we drive, the guy/girl on our arm, when in reality none of that is our definition. we are not defined by the things around us, but by a God who made us. who told us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. who made us in HIS image. who has counted every tear that we have cried, every hair that has somehow fallen out of our head. who has told us to just be patient and wait for Him. so many times we walk around thinking that oh if i only had the designer jeans, that highlighted hair, if only and the list could go on. however, we were not made for this world.
this lesson i have struggled with for the longest time. everyone wants to know and has the feeling that they belong somewhere. that someone loves them for the real them and not for who they are pretending to be. the whole time God is screaming to them His love. trying to tell them to press into Him and rely on Him alone. everything that they are desperately searching for is Him. that guy/girl will come when it is the right time for both of you. that perfect job is coming, just seek Him. when we are willing to lay it all down and let it go is when God has the opportunity to move and give us the things that we would least suspect that are the best fit for us.
are we going to keep allowing the things of this world to define us? the labels on our clothes? the car that we drive? or are we going to allow the God of the universe to tell us who we are in Him? are we going to keep allowing that guy or girl on our arm to define us, or the God who create the ultimate version of love? life is like a game of scrabble. God has given us all the letters, and even given us the word to spell out, but what are we going to spell out with the letters that He has given us?

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'the LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for him.' Lamentations 3.22-24

do you see what i see.

i hadn't realized how long it has been since i was last on here. although i should be tired and trying to head to bed right about now, i am wide awake. last night i was watching a meteor shower with my friend and all i could think about in that moment as i was lying looking up to the stars was just about the beauty of the creation around me. to think that a God who created every bone in my body, every detail on my face, every crack in each leaf as it dried, created something that seems so insignificant at times for my pleasure. funny how that all works out. we were watching the shower until about 4am and the whole time i was just mesmerized by it.
i was mesmerized yet again though by the love of my creator. little old me. i don't think that there will ever be a time that i will fully understand why He chose me. at times i feel like Jeremiah did when he said Lord i don't know what to say for i am only a child, or Daniel who was trembling before the pit of lions or David and the giant and called out for God to truly use him and to give him the boldness and courage that he so desperately needed and sought after. here i am in this moment though crying out for God to once again whisper into my ear and tell me everything is going to be ok, that it is all going to work out the exact way that He plans. yet as i am sitting here trying at least to find some kind of warmth, i can't help but question. and be confused in so many ways about things that are going on in my life.
life is hard and i know that it is not always going to be sunshine and butterflies, but i was promised that in these moments of desperation and calling out for God to speak to me, that there is a God who loves me. who said and promised that He was going to hold my hand during this moments, that He was going to wrap me in His arms of peace and rest and to cast out all confusion. i refuse to be like that man who built his house upon the sand, so when the rains came and flooded his house was swept away. but i am going to like the man who built his house upon the rock, so when the rains came he was safe.
i don't know exactly what life throws at each of us for it is all different situations and circumstances. but one thing to be sure of is that although we may not know what is going on, we must trust that He does. that's faith. stepping out into the unknown because He told you to. so here am i God. here is all of me. because if you can't have all of me, then don't have any of me...let everything i do be all for you!

panama

today i had an interview about my plans for next summer in regards to my internship. i was asked what i was planning on doing and all i could think about was those 10 days this summer when i was back in a country that i love and yearn for so much right now. all i could see was all the faces of the little children that we ministered to this summer. the faces of those in Boquette as we passed by them in the streets. the feel of the floor in the church on that friday night as we ministered and i encountered God in such a new way. as i truly found my fire and passion again...

as i was sitting in that office talking about my plans all i could think in those moments was: "God is this how you feel and yearn for your people?" if i feel like this for a country where i spent only 20 days in my whole life, how is it that God feels like this every single day as He yearns for His children to come home and back to Him? when we sing the song by Hillsong and it says: "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours..." i don't think i've actually thought God would actually break my heart like that...until today. no matter what i do i can't shake this feeling of having to be there. there isn't enough to do or fill my day with that will take this painful, yet joyous thing from my heart.

there isn't enough homework that i can have that will stop me from thinking about panama, or its people, children, problems...there isn't enough time that i could waste on Facebook that would take my mind off of panama because without fail i look at all the pictures that were taken on those trips and yearn so desperately to be back there. i hate to say this too, but there isn't enough time that i could spend with my friends that would make me stop and forget about panama even for a second. there isn't enough music in my iTunes that would take my mind off of it, in fact without fail the cd that i got from panama ends up playing and it takes me back to that Sunday morning, and then to that afternoon spending time at the Teen Challenge...

how much time is going to have to pass before i can step back onto that ground, to see those precious faces of the children who are living without a father, or parents at all...how much time am i going to have to dwell on the idea and daydream about being back there? Lord grant my heart peace and contentness until i am back in that country. continue to remind me of those who are here that need your healing touch, your grace bestowed upon them, and for those who are ready to give up on everything including life. touch them, give them the strength and courage to face another day. grant them that peace that they so desperately need and are searching for. also touch panama that their hearts would be so open and willing to receive you, to hear all that you have for them, and the love that you are so willing to pour unto them. give me the spirit of patience again to wait for that time when i can go back and see your mighty hand at work....

to do lists.

college has officially started again, and here i am sitting at my kitchen table at home combining all my syllabuses (yes this is how you spell it, i looked it up) into all 3 of my calendars while singing along to andy grammer. usually i would be sitting in the library doing all of these, minus the singing, but due to the fact of having my wisdom teeth out a week ago, i had to come home for a check up to make sure i don't have any infections and everything is healing properly. as i was sitting here though i couldn't help but think of the day that i just had. it wasn't a bad day at all, it was actually a good day, where i just got to hang out with a bunch of my friends through out my day, and it was filled with God moments. last night i had a weird dream, that i wouldn't bore anyone with and which could have started off my day with me being so inquisitive, but as i was doing my hair this morning i couldn't help but ask God what it all meant. here is where it gets interesting.
about 3 years ago i had finished my senior year of high school and was visiting my grandparents up in New Hampshire. as i was sitting on the beach one day i just got a weird cold chill for it being the middle of summer and a super hot day. this sent me on a whirlwind of thoughts about new england. most people who aren't raised in the north consider northerns cold, hard, and not very open. as i was sitting there on the beach reading God just stopped me in my tracks, little did i know what i was getting myself into. in those next few moments God shared some precious things that He had in store for me. He told me that new england is often times stuck in the old religious traditions and that they needed something fresh and new. that one day i would be planting a church in new england.
well the past three years have come and gone and i haven't thought of that day since until today. i numbed part of me because i was scared and also because i had put so many to do lists in front of it. i got so distracted which happens to everyone. as much as it stinks to think that i had allowed things to come in the way of my relationship with God. it also reminded me that no matter how forgotten something may seem, that it is never forgotten to God. He never forgets something that He has created and even given us the opportunity to have our hands in. there have been times were all of us at some point feel like we are forgotten not only to the people around us, but we sometimes feel like God has forgotten us. but it is utterly impossible for Him to ever forget us. He has promised us over and over again that he will never leave us nor forsake us, that we are held in the palm of His hand, and we are not forgotten. there are no to do lists that stand between us and Him. We are not alone for we are safe in His arms because the hands that hold the world are holding our hearts.
although we don't always know what tomorrow will bring or be like we can always know that God has some plan in store. it could be that He is trying to grasp our attention, or maybe it is to show us that He is the one holding us in the middle of the night as we are crying out for help and for saving. each of us has a purpose and a plan that only He can answer and bring to fruition. it is in these moments when all we need to do is cry out to Him. to totally and utterly trust and put all of our hope in Him. it is never easy and as we walk through those moments of feeling alone and forgotten, but He is whispering to us saying: "here i am. trust me for i know what i am doing. i am the only one! just hang on for you my child were made for this!" like a mother and her baby we are not forgotten.

end of summer.

this summer has been filled with so many precious memories that i will live with for the rest of my life. i started my internship the day after mother's day and basically hit the ground running. what i thought was going to be another two weeks that the administrative assistant would be in Japan, soon turned into her moving there permanently. for the first month i had to play the part of the intern and the admin assistant. it was a very crazy time for frequency and fusion as i tried to pick up the pieces of someone else's life. as time went on life became somewhat easier. i got into the groove of everything and of life back home. 

shortly after may i geared up for my 3rd missions trip, and my 2nd time back to Panama. i went down with feelings of nervousness and not really sure of myself. it my first time as a leader on a missions trip and i honestly didn't know what to expect. everyday though was truly amazing. everyday was a God moment and i never wanted it to end. on the second to last day i was talking to the director of YWAM and asked him what it would be like and if it was possible to do an internship the following summer. he said it was very possible and every day would be like it was on my missions trip. i just had to get approval from my college so that i would receive credit for it. i meet some great people, 1 adorable baby who has captured my heart, and reconnected with a great friend who poured into my life yet again.

3 days after returning from Panama i headed off to camp with 11 students. each of those students poured into my life and challenged my walk on an everyday basis without even knowing it. it was an absolutely amazing week where healings happened, lives were changed forever, and people were refreshed. that week blessed my life and really confirmed that youth was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life, but its always when you take a huge step out in faith that's when the enemy wants to push you back 3 more. 

i got back into the office on the 5th of july the 1st time in about 20 some days. i had to try to get back into the routine again, which had changed since i had left. the new admin assistant had started working the day that i left for Panama, my youth pastor had left for Peru the day i came home from camp and the other intern was sick that day. i didn't know where to even begin. July slowly went by and i hadn't seen my youth pastor until the last week of July due to him going to Peru for 12 days (which felt like 50) and then going on vacation with his family. 

August came very fast. we were gearing up for an outreach called the Big Serve. planning what the 3 days of that would be like, and getting ready to take 7 students to new jersey 2 days after that was over. the Big Serve went off with a bang and the students were looking forward to the homeless sleep-out which was the last night where the students slept outside like they would be homeless. i went home friday morning so exhausted and ready for my bed, which would only see me for about an hour or two. sunday night i headed back up to the church with my bag packed ready for a nice start to my week, and a time to recoup and settle my brain. 

New Jersey was simply an awesome time, minus the stench that flooded into every pore of our bodies. we headed to Six Flags for a fun day, which we didn't know if that was going to happen. it had rained that morning and we were praying that it would turn into a great day. we got there and were paying for parking talking to the ticket holder who told us that the good rides where probably not going to be open at all that day. we got parked and headed into the park. we literally walked onto every single roller coaster and all the rides were open. it was a blast! the next day we headed to Ocean City, NJ and soaked up the sun. we made sand castles, turned the only boy other than our youth pastor into a mermaid, and wrote in the sand. we headed back home that night and part of me was left there with the 7 students on that beach. it was like i knew the time was dwindling away.

wednesday i walked into the office for the very last time trying my hardest to be strong. i kept telling myself that it was ok, that i would be back. i wasn't leaving forever. every wednesday we have praise and celebration where all the staff comes together and we talk about all the great and amazing things that God is doing in the church. the staff prayed over myself and the other intern. i just broke in that moment. from that moment on there was no stopping the water works that poured out of my eyes. that night was service and yet again there i was trying to be strong. at the end my youth pastor had all the students who were going off to college for the first time, and those who were going back to come up to pray over us. as about 5 girls came to pray over me all i could think was: "i could have done so much more. i missed something." its funny how in those moments God reaches down and just soothes every thing out and gives your heart peace again. i couldn't have done anything else, nor would i have done anything different this summer. i learned things about myself that i have never known, i fell in love with my Creator even more this summer, and i established relationships and friendships with students that will last a life time. thank you for all those who have made an impact on my life this summer, who poured into me, who have loved me and to those who more importantly prayed me through many storms. you will never know the whole impact that you have made on my life.