growth.

it has honestly been awhile and while i would love to blame a million things i can only blame myself. i can't tell you how many times i've sat down to even journal and i've just stared at the page. i'm at a loss for words. there has been a lot of things going on around me, and within me and i've tried to juggle them all and put the pieces together, but no matter what the equation i can't figure out what the ultimate picture is suppose to look like...i feel that in some way i don't even know who i am anymore. i guess though that is kind of what life is. the continuous growth and changing. i have to look at it like a scientist would look at a chemical reaction. if he adds too much of one chemical or gas it is not going to give him the reaction that he is ultimately looking for.
we add and subtract things out of our lives daily without really thinking of the ramifications or the consequences of those decisions and actions. i think i've been doing a lot of subtracting without adding some of the fundamentals that i need so i can get the reaction that i want. instead i am left re-examing my life countless times within the last couple of months to determine if i am making the right decisions, if i'm letting the right people go or welcoming the right ones into my life. i am at a stage in my life where there isn't a whole lot that is making sense, i know where i want to be and what i want to be doing its just the journey of how to actually get there that is yet again the biggest issue. they say that once you get over one hurdle there is yet another one just yards away waiting to be conquered in order to complete the race.
i find it funny how we dream of how our lives are going to go and the direction of how its going to lead, but when rubber meets the road and you're faced with all the hard decisions that in your head you've panned out exactly how you're going to react you melt like a hot crayon on the sidewalk in the middle of summer. you don't react the way you wanted and instead of taking those 5 steps forward you've just taken 10 steps back. i've gotten distracted in the process become numb to things around me. i haven't reacted to things the way i should have, or the way i've been taught. and instead of feeling some kind of completeness it's like i've drilled a hole even bigger.
this past weekend we started the easter production at my church and as i walk around that building i've been hit by numerous and countless memories. for example: walking across that stage the sunday before i graduated high school to meet my youth pastor who told me that no matter what he was proud of me and the woman i was turning into. how about the summer i than interned for him and spent countless hours sitting in the youth center pouring into the students around me telling them that they were precious and no matter what was going on i was going to love them and be there for them, cheering them on every step of the way. another one would be that summer when i feel in love with a country that wasn't my own. or the countless hours i put in learning from numerous people around allowing myself to be shaped and molded.
i didn't do any of those things because i want a big plague or to be honored, but i did it because i was passionate about something! i put in all those hours because it was what i LOVED to do! what i still LOVE DOING!! i would trade in my full time job to sit with students all day making only a fraction of what i make now because i look into their eyes and i see the potential, the love that they are desperate for, the joy of life all around them. they to me are worth it. they are worth waking up for everyday to be able to tell them how proud i am of them, of how much i love them, how i will always be there no matter where life leads, and when the world turns their backs against them i'll be there to support their biggest dreams!
God has seriously blessed me with some of the most amazing opportunities and i guess the question now is what am i going to do with those blessings? it's like a game of scrabble carolyn. i've given you all the tiles and the word to even spell out, but what will you spell out with tiles that i've given you...?

dreams.

as children we all have dreams of the kind of person we want to be when we grow up. many choose occupations like being a firefighter, police officer, lawyers, doctors, famous athletics, and the list can go on and on. for me i wanted to be a lawyer so badly. i watched shows like law and order trying to mimic the characters hoping that one day i could grow up and fight for something or someone, that i could bring justice into the world. i idled people like my uncle jim without really knowing why other than the fact that he was a lawyer and in my mind was a huge successful man (which he is). but somewhere along the way i either grew out of my dream or i felt like something better came along. now being almost 23 i honestly don't know what my dream is anymore.

dreams have always fascinated me, whether daydreaming or dreaming at night. i have no clue why. i think the biggest explanation is probably dreaming allowed me to escape into another "world." a world that didn't have hurts or pains, that i could always be that little girl with no cares to the world around me. recently dreams have been what has consumed my every sleeping moment. which has lead me into actually seeing if this was normal, or if there was something wrong with me that i could fix.

see what i didn't realize is that in order to survive your brain needs to dream. it is what helps the brain digest everything that is going on in our everyday lives, it helps to process the joys, and the overwhelming times in life. without dreaming our brains would literally turn into mush. just like the heart the brain has to stay active for our survival. and while most people "don't remember" their dreams everyone dreams every single night. what most people don't also know is that when they say that they don't dream it is from either repression, stress, or ignoring the dream that gives us those feelings.

what i'm trying to get at i guess is that dreams are essential to our lives. it's how we allow ourselves to move forward. so challenge question: what are your dreams? is it that new house, car, job, future, or is it that dream that seems impossible to everyone around you? what most people don't know is that those wealthy billionaires, or those people that we look up to so much, started their companies on dreams.  happy dreaming...

battles.

i hate that feeling when you're so exhausted and lay in bed for hours, and yet sleep never comes. i don't know what is wrong with me, but right about now all i want to do is cry. there has been a lot going on lately and i just feel that if i keep running or just keep moving then i can keep up with life, that in some way i'll be able to handle everything that is going on. unfortunately its not working out too well. tonight i was off from work and i was able to sit and talk with my mom which i haven't been able to do with my crazy life schedule. in many ways i was able to refocus and almost breathe some. i was able to bake and relax, kick my feet up, but not without having the million and one things that need to get done running through my brain the whole time. 

life recently has definitely felt like a battlefield, and once i've been through one and thought i'd won the war and i am quickly mistaken only to find that it was just merely the beginning of something else. i just haven't felt like me, that something is missing from me. that i'm not completely whole and right about now i'm not sure what i need to do to get back there. i feel drained and run down. like a warrior who has come home from war only to find that the war has reached my village and everything that i had once know and found beauty is gone. i felt so confident about decisions that i had made that i honestly lost sight of the process of how to get there. 

instead of dreams and hopes, fears and regrets have quickly replaced them. i feel dry. like i have just walked through the desert in search of an oasis only to find out that it is a mirage, and distant dream. i don't feel positive, just hurt and like a used napkin. i've been blessed with an amazing family who is always there for me to pick me back up and dust me off and many times put me back together, but right now i'm feeling that there is more to this equation that is missing. i'm broken in many aspects of my life and instead of being that encouragement to others, i feel like a burden. 

i guess the question is how do i fix this? how do i turn this around like so many heroes throughout history? how do i rise above this like mark anthony, or george washington? how do i face these battles and show no mercy in the face of my enemy like joan of arc, or esther? how do i get my strength back like sampson after his hair was cut about to pull the temple pillars down? how do i breathe again without every muscle in my body aching....? i rejoice in the precious knowledge that i am found by Him. that i have a plan and purpose on my life and no matter what is thrown i will rise above this! 

transitions.

there are always funny feelings that people get when they are faced with transitions. i honestly think that it is from not really having a guide, or a set of rules on how to deal with such things. excitement and peace seems to course through my veins every time that i've made a decision, but not without the same amount of anxiousness and nervousness. i get anxious because i'm ready for this new change, and chapter in my life, but i'm nervous on how people are going to react. i guess these feelings are normal and natural, but with the support of some amazing family and friends these decisions and transitions seem not to matter. i think that every decision and transition that i've ever made has been one that maybe during the first week was overwhelming, but getting used to a new schedule soothes and calms all these feelings.
it has definitely been a year of transition and i know it is not over. this summer i've had the opportunity to work with my district youth director. that means finishing the last minute planning for the two weeks of youth camp, getting those preparations ready, heading to camp, working with the youth alive missionary, and now the planning for the back to school event. while trying to transition back to home, trying to find a job, trying to transition into my internship and now transitioning into my job; its definitely been a year of learning to let go and be flexible. transition is all about being flexible, and how you are going to face those little details that are going to be thrown at you. the literal definition is: the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. 
transition and changing is what develops us into the people we are going to be. transition teaches us to let go and trust that everything is going to be okay. it teaches us about the trust we are supposed to have in God each and every day. transition although scary at times, is necessary in a healthy growth. yet again i am learning about such transitions. that excitement and peace is pulsing through me, but not without some heartfelt sadness. i will not be scared as i step out on the water because i've locked my eyes on the one who called me out. i know that as i transition that the words that worth dying for sings in risen from the grave is what my heart is feeling. they simply say: 

And I'll dance with You 'till my knees go weak
And I'll sing 'till I can't sing anymore
And I'll lift my hands 'till they fall asleep
Just to show You, Lord, You're the one I adore

Wonderful
My Healer
Giver of grace
Cuz You have risen from the grave
Faith's my sight
You're my might
Impossible is slain
Cuz You have risen from the grave

transitions...Life, it seems, is nothing if not a series of initiations, transitions and incorporations--Alan Dundes

writers block.

i hate it when i'm asked: "oh what were you just thinking about?" not because i don't want to share what i was just thinking about, but because i have no clue what i was just thinking about. later on it is in those moments when i am desperately searching my brain for what i was thinking about, that i am reminded of my dreams that God has placed on my heart. every second that i can daydream i do. i was reminded of the importance of dreaming yesterday. my pastor's wife preached for mother's day about dreaming. you see everyone has a calling or a dream, things that they want to see happen in their lives, but sometimes we have these little things called writers blocks, which can sometimes prohibit any kind of dreaming to occur.
recently i've been challenged to think about my calling, my dream. there are so many things that i wish i could share with the world on how i would love to turn the world upside down on its axis, but it is also these dreams that hold me back from doing so. i am reminded of the simple words my parents told me about being careful who you tell your dreams to, because not everyone is going to believe and want to see you achieve. there are going to be nay-sayers who are going to continuously put you down and try to kill your dreams, and when we start believing these people we start the process of writers block. we start allowing people to control our dreaming patterns and allow them to creep into those precious moments when we developed those dreams and kill them from the inside out.
recently i have been feeling like my creative juices where running on completely empty, like i had nothing left to even restart my system. i hit the writers block. i felt drained, like my life was somewhat sucked out of me. that even taking the slightest breath was going to break me. it was in these moments, however, when i truly allowed the author of my life to breath in me, and write a little more of this chapter. it was also in these moments when God sent some influential people into my life to just encourage me without even realizing it. now i'm not saying it was an overnight fix, because that would be a lie, but i am telling you that i started the process of breaking this awful writers block.
it was in this moment when i was trying to reignite my flame, my passion, my dream that a kari jobe song came on and sang to this tender part of my soul. her lyrics to we are say: so wake up sleeper, lift you head, we were meant for more than this, fight the shadows, conquer death make the most of the time we have left. my dream is waking up again and i know that it is a delicate process to fully reach my potential, but i'm not giving up. i'm not backing down until i see it fulfilled in all of its capacity. what so many people don't realize is that dreams make us human, they remind us that there is a God who before the foundations of time predestined us and already marked out the steps before us. they remind us that we are to keep going. so i ask you...what are your dreams? what have you stopped fighting for? what have you settled for? was it that relationship, was it that affirmation? now was it worth is? whatever your dream is, it is not too big, or small for you. it was made exactly the way it was for you because God knew that you would fight for it, conquer all the challenges and obstacles that came with it, and that you would see it through all the way until the end and then some. so don't give up, keep going. more than anything keep dreaming!

junior year.

wow! let's just say it's been awhile and since march & so much has changed. i don't know where to begin. it feels like yesterday i was walking back onto campus for the fall semester not knowing what to expect. it was then on my first day back that i honestly met my best friend. not knowing how she would be pouring into my life over the next few months. 12 of us sat in sga training not talking just looking around  the room awkwardly waiting for the year to start. fast forward to start teams, where i met so many of the new students & where new friendships were birthed. as the days progressed i remember writing on my calendar in the to do list section: "make new friends," & this year i did. the first days of school started & as october hit i dreaded going to class or even being at school. i wanted to be home, where there was comfort & life away from being stretched. little did i know the things that God had in store for me.
i would love to say that this year was an easy year all around, but that would be a lie. i can remember sitting in my room crying out for God to move in me, to show me yet again why he called me into ministry or better yet, why he loved me. it wasn't until december that i started getting the answers to these questions. i started to read the book Captivating & my world was turned upside down. i felt like every story, every topic in that book was written for me & about me. it helped me understand who i was & why i believed so much in people & in humanity as a whole. as fall semester wrapped up i was faced with yet again more opposition & hardships that i never saw coming. i felt so low & i was desperately seeking & reaching for a hand up. i was literally at my lowest i had been in years.
i had put so much pressure & stress on myself that i was finally starting to feel it & little by little i broke. as i sat in the prayer room all i could do was cry & again ask why? it was here that i vented and got everything out, & God just listened, but it was also here where he answered me completely. i was called to ministry because i believe in people, i believe that everyone could be saved & reached. that every youth student had the opportunity to be believed in & loved. that every person whether in the states or across the seas, they weren't too hard to love. that i had a plan and a calling on my life that i wasn't going to understand at times, but it was in these times that i needed to step aside & truly allow God to use me completely. he yearned for me. he was breaking my heart for those around me, but i had to understand that the things i was going through were for that girl or boy who was stressed & had no other outlet or option other than crying out to God. for that single mom who didn't know how she was going to provide for her children, that there was hope & a light at the end of the tunnel.
this year i was blessed to have several people who were influential & poured into my life time & time again. i had people who believed in me & prayed me through. & tonight was one of those nights where i truly felt the prayers of family & friends praying me through. i sat in my room waiting to check out & all i could do was cry as i saw so many of my friends from cbc graduate & walk across that stage getting their diplomas. i pitied myself & questioned why i was at vfcc. yet again it was God who answered & told me that there were things that i was never going to learn if i had stayed at cbc. there were times when i needed to be pushed completely out of my comfort zone & be challenged. i wasn't going to get it there. i had become comfortable & in turn lazy. i needed these people in my life to pour into me. i needed times like after easter when God broke me yet again for the heart of the youth & reminded me of his love. i needed times like this when i wasn't afraid to ask him questions. we each have our time when God is going to use us & not always do we understand these moments, but we look back on them and realize what God was doing. for me it was tonight when i got a little glimpse of what God had done in my life this past year & how he blessed me & directed me every step of the way thus far. thank you to all who poured into my life this year & challenged me to greater things that God has in store.

importance.

wow i didn't realize how long it had been since i last blogged. to say the very least life has been well....interesting! there doesn't ever seem to be enough hours in a day to accomplish everything that i have to get done and at the end of the day i'm left wondering where has my life gone to? it's like running on a treadmill and your foot slips and you are trying to re-do your stride and not being able to, and having to restart. in a way i guess i can see it as a blessing teaching me to slow down and enjoy these precious moments that are right in front of me, but when it happens unexpectedly it's hard to deal with. and now all i'm looking for is friday when i'm reunited with my family and friends for spring break. although i still have a lot to do as far as homework, getting things ready for our banquet that i'm in charge of, and making time for family and friends.
so how do you accomplish all that you need to get done in your day plus make time for God? right about now i so desperately wish i had that answer. i was talking to my mom early about some things going on in my life right now and i said to her: "you know i wish there was a manual full of directions on how to deal with this and other certain situations in life!" her simple answer was: "carolyn there is, its the bible!"and how true. i knew that answer but for some reason i have recently just blanked and it was like i was just hearing it for the first time. when i start making time for Him, then He'll open up time in my schedule for the things to get done, that i never saw! and when i stop spending so much time on social media outlets, i'll again find time slots for all of it!
i guess what i needed was a wake up call to re-examine and refocus on the things that are important to me. which is God, school, SGA, work, and family! so what is so important to you that you can't separate yourself from? and is it really that important? recently my school announced that we would be participating in a homeless fundraiser and i've always known that it was important to give of my time and money, but for some reason it really hit me this year. so i started a pledge to raise $500 and participate in the homeless sleep out. for me this is what is important because it is the whole reason why i decided to go into ministry and if i just turn my cheek then what is that really saying about me and my heart? now i'm not saying everyone should go out and join a cause like this, but look and see what is truly important that you would be willing to lay down your life, and time for. and make sure it is really important!